Pictured here, happily killing off a kind pastor.
So, my phone along with my license, vax card, debit card, all of it got stolen in Miami and coincidentally- at the same time- I watched Benjamin Button for the first time. I’ve had no one to text for a week about it and I’m going insane. I feel like a pent up little goblin who hasn’t fucked for eight months and this is just an extreme case of blue balls so I think the therapy I need right now is holding an audience hostage while I talk about my thoughts for eight minutes.
So the plot of the movie is that hottest man alive Brad Pitt is born an old man which that? In itself? Feels illegal. You have the hottest man in Hollywood no no not in Hollywood but in the WORLD in a movie and I don’t get to see him until an hour in? That’s sixty whole minutes you’re asking me to sit through this decrepit old witch lugging himself around an old folk’s home. He’s not even old! They should have put a trigger warning for edge lords because I was extremely disappointed and I’m a little goo goo gaga baby for Brad Pitts weenie..
Listen, I know what you’re thinking. Why does a lesbian like Meg wanna see a hot Brad Pitt? Aren’t they more excited for Cate Blanchett’s tight little puss sashaying around the Broadway stage? And to that I say are we not held back collectively? As a community? By labels? What is a “lesbian” what is “only being attracted to women but still wanting to suck off Brad Pitt like a the suckiest vacuum alive?” Brad Pitt could be a lesbian. He has lesbian hair, lesbian vibes. He takes no shit from no one. Society struggles by the confines of sexuality and the way we liberate ourselves from that is by letting me Rim Brad Pitt.
Meggie? You’re moving away from the point? Yes. I am.
Let’s start with the basics. Brad Pitt is born a little vulnerable sheet of paper. He’s got cataracts, arthritis, dementia, shit I don’t know just like- everything an old person could have. Imagine giving birth to an animatronic doll and that’s the last thing you see before you die, some horrendous wrinkly old bitch. It’s inhuman! It’s scientifically wrong! Rightfully so, helpless Brad Pitt is abandoned on a doorstep by his father for how fugly he is.
Luckily, he’s left at an old folks home so great this elderly kid’s first friendships are going to be watching everyone he loves die. He then goes on to sap an old pastor of his strength by being blessed with the gift of walking. I mean, this guy is a menace to society! If love wasn’t the central plot he would be a domestic terrorist. He would lock himself in the basement, learn how to use a computer, and post threatening things on Reddit that, when dug up later, align with his character.
Straight up.
Also, can we talk about the fact no one is put off? By him aging backwards? Like, young Cate Blanchett, played by Elle Fanning, seems to take a surprising interest in him from the beginning of the movie. Do you not have a hobby? What child wants to hang out with an elderly person? What’s her motive? Charity? Volunteer work? My money is on the fact she ruthlessly bullies him at school behind his back.
At seventeen Brad Pitt looks fifty and he decides to float around on a boat because fuck it why not. He never went to school. He’s just bopping around figuring out what it’s like to constantly have an existential crisis. The boat captain, who helped Brad lose his virginity at fourteen to a brothel bitch, doesn’t even question the fact he looks younger every other year. He’s just like “oh! You’re younger! Here, why don’t you fuck Tilda Swinton” then everyone dies besides Brad proving he is an immortal God in this storyline.
At this point, I am three decades away from seeing hot Brad. I am very antsy and want to get up but my girlfriend says “wait” so I say “okay.” I would like to take the time, at this point, to point out we started this three-hour movie at midnight because she wanted to quote “get railed” to it. I must say that is vulgar. At what point is this a rail-able movie. Why does my girlfriend know no peace? Why is she so troubled? What is her home life like? Only God knows.
Okay so let’s fast forward to now hot Benjamin Button. Yummy cummies in my tummies this guy is sexy. Wow. He’s fucking chicks left and right until Cate shows up. Now, for context, she turned him down in New York which, okay he hadn’t reached his prime yet, I get it but now? She like “boy I won the lottery and now I get to suck a fart out Brad Pitts asshole.” Also, his mom dies along the way but we don’t care about this we care about the fucking. But uh oh!
One day he fucks her too hard and I don’t know if you guys remember this but he! Was born! Old! Now he’s wondering ah jeez, is my little seed going to grow up into a withered sad tree? With no prospects or love in the world? And quite honestly the answer is probably yeah. If I saw someone that looked old at 12 and I was 12? I wasn’t that nice at 12 I would have probably ruthlessly bullied them and given them some deep-rooted issues that I would later feel bad about in my 20’s.
She turns out normal tho so phew, crisis averted.
Brad bails on being a dad and at first, I’m kinda mad about this but as the movie goes on I realize this is a great decision on his end because you know, old CGI brad is one thing but young CGI brad is another thing. He looks like Madam Tsuo’s house of wax and he doesn’t want Cate Blanchett to deal with raising him alongside his daughter. Also, he meets his daughter when he’s like 19 looking and she’s like 17 and I’m like oh? Is this moving towards him dating his daughter? One time, I turned incest settings on in Sims and I wasn’t here for it but I’m also not David Fincher so maybe he’ll handle it better than my Sim daughter did getting my other daughter pregnant in the game.
The movie wraps up with a baby Benjamin dying in Cate’s arms. He’s like full on a normal baby at this point and he also starts getting dementia as a kid? So he’s overcome dementia once in his life and now he has it again? You got me fucked up this poor guy had like, thirty years where he could actually enjoy being alive. He’s the kind of guy when I tell my mom I’m going to try killing myself again, she’s like “people have it worse out there. Just look at Benjamin Button.”
One more thing to point out, the fact this happens during Hurricane Katrina and this is David Fincher’s response to that tells me a lot about where his psyche was when producing/writing this. The other writer also produced Forrest Gump begging the question, are any of them handling life well? Are they okay? Can we have eyes on Fincher? If anyone has his contact number I would really appreciate if you sent him a text asking him not to kick the chair just yet.
Jesus. Christ. Meggie. Lol. Great job!