The Hills New Beginnings: Excuse me, WHO dated Miley Cyrus?!
Will this fill the hole MTV's the Challenge left in my heart?
It’s a new beginning for the Hills and boy are they coming in… slow. Is it just me or is quarantine totally going to kill the reality television show drama? I can’t imagine after a year of self reflecting people are going to come in guns blazing hot and heavy with some emotional turmoil. Of course, I have had a few blow outs myself in the long process of staying inside for a year so maybe I’m not the best judge of these things. On the other hand…
This season of whatever the Hills reboot is going to be starts with a heartwarming bonfire thrown by Brody consisting of Audrina, Spencer, Heidi, Kaitlynn, Brandon, Caroline, and probably other people I wasn’t paying attention to. The group comes together to say goodbye to things they’ve realized are toxic in their life including, but not limited to, alcohol, adderall, and chicken pot pie. Brody makes a speech around the fire about how this year has been a year of finding spirituality and realizing how booze has impacted his relationship, especially his marriage with Kaitlynn. Justin says goodbye to his carefree lifestyle ten minutes after admitting he fled to Mexico at the beginning of quarantine because he absolutely does not care about the indigenous community there and the rise of COVID in their community, a bad boy born and raised on privilege. Setting the tone for the rest of this season, the party features less than thrilling conversations outside of our favorite flirty Hills duo Audrina and Brody.
Here is where I come clean about the fact I don’t know much about the Hills outside memes, Laguna Beach, L.C. and Kristen, and, occasionally, Audrina/Brody drama. I do know they are flirty enough based on clips I’ve seen and, judging by their close interaction on cam, I’m hoping a hookup is in the future for these two insanely hot people. Yes, Audrina goes on a date mid episode with Sean, the famous child of two actors you might have heard of, but the vibes are off and not nearly as natural as the chemistry between her and Brody. I don’t want to see you fake karate with a quarantine date, I want to see you make out hardcore and cover ground you could have made fucking the entire city of L.A. the past fourteen months!
Also Brody and Audrina hooked up before Quarantine? I think they deserve to give this relationship a shot to be honest.
Brody and Kaitlynn discuss their falling out while I’m on the toilet dealing with cookie cake I ate for breakfast. Imagine my surprise when Brody and Kaitlynn begin discussing the fact she’s a lesbian and the strain it placed on their relationship. I’m coming into this having every season of Laguna Beach and nothing else under my belt on and have missed the fact one of the people on this show dated MILEY CYRUS? Brody asks Kaitlynn if she ever knew before they got married that she was into women and she pulls on his heartstrings bringing up the fact she went from one highly publicized relationship to another one with fucking Miley Cyrus. Brody pins his drinking problem on her and I want to punch him in the face. Does he not realize what a living legend his now ex wife is? If this girl needs a best friend, I am right here.
Heidi, ever so dramatic, burns her birth control at the beginning of the episode. The camera swings over to Spencer and he’s got the face Jim makes in the Office on. Their entire plot line this season will likely be that she wants to get pregnant indicated by the one hundred pregnancy tests she buys at CVS. She pours them on the table as Spencer enters eating one of several chicken pot pies he will consume over the course of this episode. “Oh! So we’re, uh, we’re really doing this are we,” says Spencer, completely unaware he signed a legally binding contract indicating Heidi wants more than one kid. Yikes. It doesn’t really seem like these two are on the same page which is made incredibly evident in a later scene of Heidi wearing lingerie to seduce her husband and her husband eating, you guessed it, chicken pot pie in bed.
We move over to side character Brandon Thomas Lee son of Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. The son of two incredibly important celebrities would hardly seem to be a side character but the man has the personality of a cardboard cut out. Also, him, Justin, and Brody all look the same and in my mind, I cannot decipher one plot line from the other. Every one includes a girl. Maybe if everyone on this show wasn’t cis-het, I could tell men apart. Otherwise, they all look like randomized sims to me.
Anyways, Brandon decides to give things with his ex girlfriend a shot. I’m not sure what his ex-girlfriends name is or if it’s still Kathryn Newton from Big Little Lies, but he wants to give things a shot and shows how serious he is by unveiling a new song he wrote exclusively for her. I’ll admit, the song isn’t that bad. In fact, the surprise picnic he brings her on isn’t that bad either and despite the fact every guy on this show seems to be a douche bag, I’m rooting for him. I’m actually rooting for all of them. Quarantine seems to have made these people emotionally self aware and dang, they had the kind of glow up I do NOT want to see on reality television.
Bring on the messy, babyy.