I promised Hacks this week because I have no concept of “the alphabet” and thought H came after F (Friends). My bad! If you were excited about that, come next week! For now, we’re doing the daddy of all shows:
Game of Thrones
Game of Thrones needs truly no introduction and the fact it is an hour means I’m not even sure I’ll be able to fit everything in one email. What is there to say about the show? Almost everyone in the fucking world was hooked, I read the first book, and my relationship with it was “solely watching because I didn’t want to be left out on Sundays and complaining the whole time.” Friends hated having me there, I hated being there, but I had to be there. I coped with my first hard breakup ripping through the first three seasons and after the Red Wedding, I tuned the fuck out. The show was a steady decline for me after season 5 (season 6 if I’m generous) and I can still remember the pure anger of the series finale.
I did, however, have great jokes consistently throughout its 8 season run.
Let’s get right into it because Jesus Christ, this episode is long.
We get the slowest door open of all time and a man on a horse looking serious with his torch of fire as he enters a long cavern. Every man is mediocre looking as they ride out in to the snow at what I assume is the Great Wall. Buck tooth boy takes a tentative look around as he edges closer to a creek, concealing himself to look in to a ravine where there’s lots of mutilated bodies. He runs away terrified on his wittle horse and heads back to his trio of ugly dudes. He says he’s “never seen something like this before in his life, not even from Wildlings.” The leader of them is like “if you want to run away south from the Wall you can but you’ll be beheaded as a deserter” and buck teeth boy shuffles back to his horse tail between his legs. They go back to check if the dead bodies are still there and wOAH, THEY’RE NOT! Is it magic??? Or WHiTeWaLkeRs?
Only White walker I know is me in the dead of winter am I right?
Oh Just kidding Fuck it is a white walker! One manifests behind the leader and slices his body as the horses run from the scene. The woman bucktooth man saw previously impaled is alive again with glowing blue eyes. The hunt is on bestie and we already know what’s about to happen. One of them is beheaded and buck tooth boy faces the same fate as the lights dim and the three minute DUN DUN DUN intro plays.
We get a sweeping shot of Winterfell as the youngest Stark shoots some arrows. This establishing shot of the Stark family is to remind you they will never be happy again. It’s a nice slice of life while it lasts, though! Arya is doing some stitching next to Sansa and Bran is being mentored by John on how to be a better archer. Papa Stark is like “nice try Bran but you can do better” as hottest guy alive Robb Stark stands with his arms crossed watching. A messenger saddles up to Momma and Papa Stark and says there’s a deserter from the Night’s Watch up at the Wall and it’s buck tooth boy from earlier. Surprise! He survived
Just as shocked as you are.
Catherine Stark is like aw c’mon do you gotta kill this guy who fled South from the Wall? And Ned is like “yeah and also? I’m going to force our ten year old son Bran to watch.” Bucktooth boy is muttering about seeing the White Walkers under his breath when he’s confronted by Ned. He’s like “I know I broke my oath but damn you would too if you saw these fucking White Walkers.” Ned truly doesn’t care if this guy wants to get word back to his family about this terrifying thing beyond the wall and he beheads this guy in front of John, Bran, and Robb. Bran, luckily, doesn’t look away and we are proud of this toxic masculinity! Violence, death, and murder, men will be men!
~Just boy things~
Bran is concerned about other things when his dad approaches him namely, the fact he said there’s white walkers again stalking the area. They’ve been dead for over thousands of years and he’s just a baby, a pure ten year old who truly has no time to deal with the undead. On their way back home, they see deer ripped apart on their trail and like, the signs are there. Nothing is looking great but alas, “curiosity killed the cat” and they go to explore. They find baby wolves and thus begins the greatest love story alive between Man and Dog. We’re introduced to the dire wolf pups who shouldn’t be south of the wall but are anyways because dogs do not abide by rules. Bran please with that one dude who later gets his dick chopped off about not killing the wolf because he wants to keep it. There are five of them, perfect for the Stark kids, so please don’t kill this one. Lord Stark is like Bran you’re being unreasonable when John steps in and is like “there are five pups and since the direwolf is the sigil of your house they should take them.” Ned rolls his eyes like fine but they aren’t my property.
Yay, the dogs win!
Bran asks what about you? And John’s like I’m not a Stark but no need to worry, there’s a runt of the litter and John Snow can have it if he wants. I was confused by the progression of this, because I didn’t think we knew John was a bastard son, but I guess it’s let on early on that he is so I guess that’s good! Ned leads a good, honest life (outside of cheating on his wife Catherine) :)
We get our first shot of King’s Landing and the two hot siblings who fuck Jamie and Cersei. Introducing the Lannisters, who are stressed out about SOME secret about them getting out to Cersei’s husband, and she insists her brother Jamie should be the Hand of the King <3. The Lannisters rule King’s Landing currently and are all about goal, deceit, and despair. I wanted to be apart of this family the most in college and would skew every Buzzfeed quiz to say I was a Lannister and what that says about me, I have no idea but alas.
I thought they were cool cuz they also had blonde hair (projecting) and LOTS of money (manifesting).
This slice of their life is passed over quickly as we head back to Winterfell and see Ned washing his sword under a tree. Catherine is saying she feels like an outsider and wonder if the Old God’s would agree with her. She says there was a raven from King’s Landing and Jon Arran is dead, killed by a fever (pussy). I think this was the hand to the King and this might cause some political turmoil since I think Jon was their in to King’s Landing. The raven also said the king is riding north which means there’s “only one thing he wants if he’s coming this far.”
In Winterfell, life is afoot as they decorate a big ballroom for Lord Tyrion’s arrival. They imply he is a short king multiple times but he loves his drinking so get the best wine out for him. The boys John, Robb, and Dickless, are getting shaved up GOSSIPING about the king coming and all the southern belles he likely fucks. Bran is watching from the roof which is HUGE foreshadowing to him falling off pretty soon. His mom chews him out for climbing on the roof and maybe he should listen!!! “I want you to promise me no more climbing,” she says and he makes a false promise because men aren’t shit. “You always look at your feet before you lie” says Catherine and I hope he enjoys those feet now while they last!
The king rides in on his noble stead with an army following bearing the emblem of Lannister pride: Gold Lions on a red flag. Honestly, I was simply obsessed with the Gold Lion on Red Flag and that was my biggest pull to wanting to be a Lannister, on top of having naturally blonde hair. Arya takes her place next to her siblings to greet the king as he strides in with son Joffrey afoot. Joffrey and Sansa make eyes at each other which sucks for her since she ALSO DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHAT’S COMING! I wish there was an indicator above a man’s head before women ever got involved with them, kind of like that app Lulu. Did you guys remember Lulu? It was this app in college that got shut down that women would leave reviews of the guys they dated for other potential women.
I fucking loved it.
We get our first glance at Lord Baratheon, who Cersei is married to, and he goes down the line saying hello to all the Starks asking if he can go to the crypt before dinner to also say hello to his dead ex wife, who was Ned Stark’s sister. Cersei looks troubled as Ned follows Lord Baratheon and Cersei tells Jamie to go find Lord Tyrion. Ned and Robert talk in the crypt about how they both miss Jon Arran and that he “suddenly died” making me sus of Jamie and Cersei, since he clearly found out they were kissing. Robert asks Ned if he’d be the Hand of the King and also proposes joining houses between their son and daughter, who I can only assume are Joffrey and Sansa.
A huge yikes for that one.
Jamie has stumbled upon Lord Tyrion at the local “whore house” which I love for him! Go off! Wish I had named my internet “whore house” but it is currently “milf manor” which, if I ever ran a brothel, would be a great name. Though Jamie is the more handsome of the brothers, the “Imp,” otherwise known as Tyrion, clearly fucks a lot better given how charming and clever he is with the woman in this brothel. Jamie has no time for his games, however, and is like Tyrion <3 the feast is at sundown and uwu plz don’t leave me alone with these people :( Btw: see you at sundown and he opens the door to a gaggle of women who giggle as they fall in to his bed.
Cut back to Robert who’s placing a feather on a statue of Ned’s sister and is crying about the fact she was buried in her family crypt instead of “near him.” Wouldn’t that be for the best? I’d want my partner to be buried with her family, were these two even married yet? Lots of questions left unanswered and even MORE gone without a follow up as Lord Baratheon says he “thinks of killing him every night” insinuating some guy (Lord Targereyon? Lord Tangerine?) was the ultimate cause of Ned’s sisters Lyanna’s death. “Targaryen’s are gone,” says Ned to which Robert replies “Not all of them” insinuating uh-oh!
Is there about to be a WAR declared?!
Across the narrow sea, we meet the source of Robert’s hatred: the Targaryen’s! Daenerys is looking out wistfully over her balcony window as her annoying brother runs up foaming at the mouth with her wedding dress. We still get to stan Daenerys as a victim and not a girlboss in the first few seasons and boy will I take it because this girl is HOT!!!!!!! She doesn’t seem too excited about this gift from Ilyrio her brother has given her and his brother’s like it’s because he’s sucking up to me specifically for when I take the throne stupid girl. He LITERALLY takes her dress off to be like “you have a woman’s body now let them see” and caresses her nipple to which, she makes no face. “I need you to be perfect today, can you do that? You don’t want to wake the dragon,” he says which, the fuck does that imply?
Don’t like this #metoo vibe I say despite almost 70% of this show being rape :/
The Dothraki aren’t known for their punctuality but they saddle up in time shirtless on horseback in an attempt to establish their characters as “barbaric.” They introduce Viserys, the brother of Daenerys, and Daenerys herself to Khal Drogo. She starts walking forward before her brother catches her wrist to whisper in her ear that Khal Drogo has never been defeated. “he’s a savage of course but he’s one of the savagest killers alive. You will be his queen,” he whispers as she walks forward anxiously, clearly not yet the mother of dragons but someone who’s probably fifteen or something. He looks her up and down before riding off which is apparently the mark of approval.
Daenerys has been sold off then without a word, I guess!
Viserys is upset thinking he can’t control Khal Drogo when Daenerys admits she doesn’t want to be his queen, she just wants to go home. He’s like “yes and they took it from us so how do we go home?” implying King’s Landing was there’s before Robert Barratheon took over. I can’t wait for this bitch to die because he follows this point up with “I would let them all fuck you, all 40,000 men and their horses too if that’s what it took” and she just looks up at him wide eyed.
Nasty.
On a softer note, Catherine is doing Sansa’s hair as she’s asking questions about if Joffrey likes her, why wouldn’t he like her, etc. Sansa’s like why wouldn’t dad take the role of the King’s Hand? Then I get to be married to Joffrey oh please it’s all I’ve ever wanted and Catherine looks exhausted which, no time for that! There’s a feast to be had! Everyone is drinking, dancing, and John is off in the courtyard working on his swordsmanship when Uncle Benjen rolls up. John tells him he’s outside because Lady Stark thinks it’d be insulting to the Lannisters to see a bastard in their midst. Uncle Benjen says “you’re always welcome on the Wall” and John’s like wait that’s a great idea, ask my dad if I can come with you and Uncle Benjen is like wait ok but you’d be giving up having your own wife, family, son but John doesn’t care. Why should he? When the only family you have doesn’t embrace you despite your status, why would you WANT to recreate one?
Tyrion overhears this and is like “hey John Snow, your uncle’s in the Night’s Watch? That’s fun. Always wanted to see the wall.” Their meet cute is one of MEN’s MEn, sizing each other up - throwing around how John’s Ned Stark’s bastard and Tyrion being like “I’m just drunk omg it’s NBD.” Digging his heels in, Tyrion is like “never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not, wear it like armor and it will never be known to hurt you.” He continues drinking as he tells the sad tale that he also is seen as a bastard since he’s a dwarf and John goes back to hitting something with a sword because that’s just what men do!
Ned confides with Uncle Benjen about how he’s nervous the bucktooth boy brought up Night Walkers and we get the third “Winter is coming” said in this episode. Catherine makes small talk with Cersei about her first time in the north and Sansa approaches them nervously to do a whole ass evaluation. Cersei asks her age, if she made her dress, and if she’s bled yet before dismissing her. It must be a good interaction though because Cersei says Sansa would do well in the Capital and Sansa goes back to her seat satisfied, sneaking a glance at Joffrey every now and then.
Despicable.
Ned tells Jamie the king has offered him the offer of King’s Hand and Jamie’s like aw well we could fight in tournaments when you move up here and Ned’s like hmm, no. Arya flings dirt at Sansa’s face and Catherine indicates to Robb he should put Arya to bed for that little move. In fact, everyone’s headed to bed as Ned holds Catherine telling her she doesn’t want to go South. Catherine says she won’t let Robert take him to King’s Landing and she really should cuz there’s no good that will come from it. Someone knocks on their door and is like pardon me but there was a rider in the night from “your sister” aka Catherine. The note says her sister has fled the capital and that Jon Arryn was murdered by the Lannisters and the king is in danger. Ned tries to gaslight her but Catherine is like you REALLY think she’d risk her life to deliver this news? The guy in this bedroom with them is like if they murdered him, who will protect the king? It’s gotten be Ned Stark which, love that this guy is offering his input unprompted. Same.
In the desert, Daenerys is getting ready for her wedding and the feast is, well, raw meat! Viserys is impatient, having waited seventeen years for the throne, and is annoyed at the fact Khal Drogo hasn’t spoken to him ONCE. His sister on the other hand is visibly nervous sitting next to Khal and no one’s doing anything to calm her down. Men dance and brazenly have their way with the women they’re dancing with and Khal Drogo watches, entertained. Straight up: these men are dry humping this woman and fighting over who ultimately gets to fuck her, stabbing the other one as the women look on elated. “A Dothraki wedding without at least three deaths is considered a dull affair,” Viserys right hand man tells him as we meet Jorah, the man who will eventually become Khaleesi’s very good buddy. Ser Jorah Mormont served her father for many years and pledges his loyalty to them before leaving. Next, a box is placed before her with three Dragon’s eggs from the Shadow Lands. They’ve been turned to stone so technically, no dragons can be born from them (HA) but do with them as you please. They’re aesthetically very nice to look at! Might be a nice addition to their fireplace mantle or something.
I bet they made a profit off marketing those three dragon eggs for purchase.
Khal wordlessly gets up and leads Khaleesi to a white horse he then places her on. The two ride off together and we get a beautiful shot of sundown and Khaleesi standing over a cliff. Khal Drogo walks up to her, parts her hair, and unties her dress as she cries. “No,” he says, his first word of the episode and we’re like ok so maybe he gets she is saying “stop” but he keeps going, undressing her as she cries. He bends her over and we cut back to Winterfell where things between the two are just implied instead of shown.
So much better!
Ned has said yes to Robert and so I guess it’s off to King’s Landing for them. He smiles at Bran before he goes as Bran saunters off to watch his father leave. He climbs the wall to get to the roof as the Dire Wolf at his feet whines. Placing his feet and hands in all the right foot holds, he hears moaning at a window and decides to go check it out. Making his way over to the open room he sees Jamie going nuts filling up his twin sister Cersei. Jamie grabs Bran before he can leave as Cersei is yelling “HE SAW US!” The episode ends with Jamie fucking PUSHING HIM OUT THE WINDOW!
BYE BITCH!
Overall, I’d give the pilot a 6/10. I still remember the shock value of Bran being pushed out a window radiating to my CORE when I first saw it, but a lot of the first episode is setting up establishing story while leaving many questions left unanswered forever. Hopping in to Game of Thrones you have to either really love the books, stumble upon it accidentally, or heard through word of mouth how bonkers the show was. The latter was the most popular and was how I found it and, in my opinion, this is how people came to find it, hopping on the hype train after the Red Wedding blew everything to shit. After that season, the cultural phenomenon of GOT was widespread and almost everywhere, people were talking about it. The pilot serves as a great example of world building, sucking you in to a plot it will fill out later, but at points the basis of the story felt it relied on just that: the world.
I do love that you can tell a lot of this was set out with a solid plot planned way in advance but it was hard even know to keep up with things based on all the assumptions characters made. It leaves the audience playing catch up and isn’t nearly as enticing as the show producers thought it was. Of course I doubt my opinion matters considering the show made around $3.1 billion dollars, but that’s just my two cents *nail painting emoji*
I wanted to include a photo of my best friend Molly and I dressing up as Cersei and John Snow in college for almost every episode premiere but I couldn’t find it. Instead, enjoy a photo of us playing GTA with Harry Styles (and check out her film Senior Year on Netflix).