Desperate Housewives was the first show I remember religiously watching growing up from the ages of 8 to 16. Despite being in fifth grade, my mom let me run wild with my own TV in my OWN bedroom watching four horny housewives do whatever they want. Desperate Housewives was the glue that held our relationship together, something that blossomed between us as I went through moody teen years and drifted away from giving her the time of day. Grades were swept under the rug, good morning’s went unexchanged, and over the course of seven years, my mom and I drifted from necessity to superfluity.
When we talked, it had to do with how much we hated Teri Hatcher’s character.
Desperate Housewives premiered on ABC on October 3, 2004 during the golden time of ABC television. At this point, LOST had been on for a few weeks and right around the corner was Grey’s Anatomy in 2005. In many ways Desperate Housewives, alongside the other two, set apart ABC for being peak television, the HBO of its time. Maybe it was because I was young, watching a show far beyond my knowledge of scandal, but Desperate Housewives felt like a turning point in television signifying the beginning of early 2000’s soap dramas, turning the 20 minute sitcom from the 90’s in to a 40 minute mini-movie every week. The format, new to someone used to Fresh Prince, Spongebob, and Full House, was something completely new to me.
Riveting, enticing, indulgent.
The show, for those who don’t know, follows the lives of four housewives with an added five if you include Edie. Gabrielle (Eva Longoria), Susan (Teri Hatcher), Bree (Marcia Cross), and Lynette (Felicity Huffman) compromise the main four, following their lives as they navigate the lives of suburban housewives after their friend Mary Alice “kills” herself. Taking a third person point of view outside the lives of the main four, Mary Alice narrates the series following along their mess. There’s divorces, crime, and an affair with the actor who plays John Tucker.
What more can you ask for?
The series was WILDLY popular, grossing over 120 million viewers over the course of its series. It won a fuckload of Daytime Emmy awards and was reported to be the third-most watched television series in a study of twenty countries. When I stress that this show was THE show of the time, I am not kidding. Even now as a 28 year old who recently rewatched the first season two years ago I can say with 100% certainty that Desperate Housewives slapped. I’m sure a lot of it doesn’t hold up, given how television jokes never age with the times, but the drama, the spice, the scandal MADE it the show of the century.
Here’s a screenshot from 2009 when I visited Wisteria Lane to prove how truly Obsessed I was.
We open with an aerial shot of Wisteria Lane, a neighborhood that looks too good to be true. Wisteria Lane gave very unrealistic expectations to the suburbs, with bushes that were always in bloom and colorful houses lining a cul de sac. Often, when the show premiered on Sundays, I dreamed of living in places like Wisteria Lane, large mansions that were painted bright pink or sunset orange and when I saw it for the first time in person (as pictured above) I lost my shit. The set design for this show was truly one of a kind in depicting the vibrancy of an otherwise mundane lifestyle and for it, I suffered, constantly thinking adulthood would be more potent than it actually is.
You guessed it: this is going to be a long, heart felt newsletter.
Mary Alice Young is detailing events of her unusual day that will end up later in the newspapers. Everything changed Last Thursday, a typical normal Thursday where Mary Alice is making breakfast for her husband and weird son, doing laundry, and painting furniture. She spent this day the way she spends every day, polishing her life carefully, until she retrieves a revolver from her closet and murders herself. Her body was discovered by the nosiest person in the world, Martha Huber. She drops in unannounced to return a blender she borrowed six months earlier, running to the back window to see Mary Alice laying dead. She calls 911 immediately, stricken by grief until she realizes wait: this is my blender now.
I also get super excited to acquire household items after my neighbor blows their brains out. Typically the first thing I think of is myself.
Lynette, played by Felicity Huffman, shows up to Mary Alice’s funeral with chicken and we get her backstory. She used to be a corporate hoe until she realized she was pregnant and Tom, her husband, recommended she be a stay at home mom since the family would do better that way. She has four kids now and seems pretty fucking miserable. She says if any of her kids act up she will call Santa and tell them they want socks for Christmas and they obey willingly.
Gabrielle, played by Eva Longoria, is up. Previously a model in New York, Gabrielle eventually settled down with Carlos, who’s hella rich. Carlos is really mediocre and subpar and we get easily annoyed of him throughout the season but for now, let’s revel in the fact he’s crying while proposing to Gabrielle in this flashback. Their relationship is very lukewarm and we get this through biting commentary, where Carlos suggests she bring up how much he paid for her necklace to some guy at the funeral. We get the idea she’s a hot shot who fucked a lot of people in her past and he’s just some boring asshole who controls her now.
Bree Van De Kamp, played by Marcia Cross, is my favorite love-hate housewife in this series. Originally considered to be a villain by 8-year-old Meggie, Bree ends up being super badass despite all the cons that come with her. Neurotic Bree brings muffins she made from scratch and the narrator insists she does everything herself: stitching, sewing, and gardening all her own shit. People really look to Bree as the perfect mother which is gonna be a massive vibe check when her husband comes out with a son before her marriage later on. Her whole family hates her because she demands perfection and you can tell she’s Type A as fuck. She presents two baskets to the grieving Young family and one is for guests, the other for their personal consumption. She is not content until they repeat the directions back to her and reminds them she’ll need the baskets back when they’re done.
God I love/hate this bitch.
Finally, Susan Mayer. Played by Teri Hatcher, Susan is a divorced clutz. We get a timeline of her relationship with her ex husband who cheated on her and left her for his secretary. Now divorced a year, she’s wishing she had a man in her life again who might treat her like shit. Her daughter asks on the way to the funeral why people kill themselves and she says sometimes sad people do things they think might solve their problems. Wow, ABC really set up Susan to be a depressed little divorcee, didn’t they? “Sometimes people pretend to be one way on the outside while feeling some way on the inside,” she says, Teri Hatcher’s raspy voice adding an edge to an already Sad Character. I hate myself for this, but I had such a crush on Susan growing up. Obviously now at my age I can recognize her for how annoying and whiny she was but when she got with the hot plumber Jesus Fucking Christ I wanted to have sex with her. This is truly such an embarrassing thing for me to admit that Teri Hatcher was my first onscreen crush but I think you’ve all earned it.
You can roast me given how annoying her character arc is.
Susan shows up as the other three are sitting and pours a cup of coffee for a now absent Mary Alice, the table of five now down to four. A flashback takes place where Susan talks to the girls about Carl’s affair and they all sympathize with her, upset that her husband banged his secretary. Bree admits this is why she joined the NRA, to remind her husband she is armed if he does anything on his medical conferences away. They discuss their relationships and Lynette says she “wishes her husband would have sex with someone else” as they all laugh. Susan’s in tears and Mary Alice says something comforting. “We all have moments of desperation but if we can face them head on that’s when we learn how strong we really are.”
It’s a touching flashback Susan has that indicates they were all really close.
They mull over things in the present trying to figure out why she might have killed herself. Why didn’t they tell her if she was unhappy? Her life was their life, a unit unshakeable by anything. Dramatic music plays as the camera pans to Mary Alice’ husband, taking an intense drink of his rum as he overhears their conversation. Seeds of mystery are dropped here and there as Susan has a run in with Mike, the hot plumber who I was also obsessed with as a kid. This was the first threesome I ever wanted to have before understanding the origin of the word which is hilarious given how bland their storyline now seems. Something about Mike’s smokey tone of voice and smile drove me crazy and as they meet for the first time, I’m not nearly as overwhelmed by his rosy cheeks and good-guy demeanor. He’s taking a bite of Susan’s Macaroni and Cheese which is bad because her Macaroni is bad. He just started renting the house next door and they shake hands, exchanging information on their jobs: he’s a plumber, she’s a children’s book illustrator.
Her daughter watches the interaction, obvious that they’re flirting.
Lynette is breast feeding her youngest when Mrs. Huber tells her Lynette’s children just jumped in the pool LMFAO. They put their swimsuits on underneath their clothes and are refusing to get out of the pool. They want to swim and she can’t stop them!!!! Mad, she hands her baby over to the pastor and gets in the pool in her dress to grab them. Everyone has congregated now to watch this happen and she lets Paul Young know that she has to leave, now. Mary Alice ominously says “Lynette shouldn’t have worried about my husband, he had other things on his mind below the surface” because he buried something at the bottom of the pool!!!! I’m not going to tell you what, since I only cover the pilot, but I remember the reveal being a big deal!
The morning after Mary Alice’ funeral is normal. Lynette goes back to her wild family, Bree scrubs a toilet aggressively, Gabrielle does yoga on her patio, and Julie, Susan’s daughter, goes to check out what the deal is with Mike. She kicks her soccer ball in to his yard to go get to know him and then returns to her mom to tell her everything. This is our first sign Susan is pathetic because how awfully desperate do you have to be your daughter picks up vibes that you’re horny for male attention. Susan chides her for going over to get the 411 on Mike and admits she’s not ready to start dating yet. Julie’s like “c’mon, how long ago did you have sex?” And Susan doesn’t really treat this as inappropriate but rather, listens to Julie say “dad’s girlfriend asked if you’ve dated since the divorce and when he said no they both laughed.” Furious, she shows up with a plant to Mike’s in low ride jeans that are heinous. She says it’s a housewarming gift and he says she’s the first in the neighborhood to stop by, which she revels in for a bit until Edie Britt (Nicolette Sheridan) shows up.
Edie Britt. Where do I even begin with Edie Britt?
Edie Britt is described as a “predatorial divorcee who’s conquests are numerous.” We get a montage of her hooking up with many guys, one including a priest. Edie brought a Sausage Putanesca and just like that, the race for Mike Delfino had begun. She asks Mike if he’d stop by later and check out her pipes to which, Susan rolls her eyes. Edie, one of the best characters on Desperate Housewives, is the Samantha Jones of the universe which is obviously where they drew inspiration from her character. She’s conniving, cutting, and doesn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks about her.
If I was straight, I’d aspire to be her.
Gabrielle is annoyed with Carlos, a running theme of Desperate Housewives, because he wants her to go to a business event where old guys grab Gabrielle’s ass but Carlos doesn’t care because $$$$. Carlos chides John (Jesse Metcalfe) for the bushes and Gabrielle and Carlos take their fight outside. She tells John they have bandages inside and he runs inside to grab them, chemistry hanging in the air between the two. As he bandages his finger, Gabrielle goes inside to take care of him and starts kissing his finger erotically, turning in to a full blown sex session while her husband is out of the house. He’s like listen I love hooking up but I can’t afford to lose this job as she takes her shirt off and insists he fuck her on the table.
I WATCHED THIS WHEN I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD.
At Bree’s house, the family is disgusted to eat whatever weird Puree she’s made for dinner. She says there’s nothing abnormal about Basil Puree but her husband Danielle is like why can’t we just eat soup or beans like normal people? She asks her son Andrew how her three hour meal is and he says “it’s okay.” He doubles down on how it’s fine but other kids parents make shitty food really fast and they’re happy so why do they always have cuisine? Bree automatically assumes he’s doing drugs because he’s been “fresh as paint” for six months and God I love this show. She says it explains why he’s locked in the bathroom, completely blowing past the fact it’s probably because he’s masturbating, and turns to her husband Rex for back up. He squints his eyes and instead, asks her to pass the salt, a quiet alliance formed with her son. Shit, I mean I get she’s critical and Stepford Wife as hell, but she did just make them a three hour meal. They could be a LITTLE thankful and appreciate of their mom.
I can’t believe I’m so old, I’m siding with Bree.
Three days after Mary Alice’ funeral Lynette is at the grocery store trying to get through to her husband Tom, who’s on his business trip. She says if he doesn’t call her back by noon they’re getting on a plane to visit him :). She runs in to a woman named Natalie who’s an old coworker from her previous law firm. Natalie asks how domestic life is and Lynette almost admits she hates it but then lies at the last minute and says she loves it :)
Back in Gabrielle’s bed, John asks why she married Carlos? She says he promised to give me everything I ever wanted and he has but she’s not happy because she wanted all the wrong things. John’s like okay if you love him then why cheat and she says because she doesn’t want to wake up one morning with a sudden urge to blow her brains out :). We pick up from this interaction he’s a young age because when he asks for a drag of her cigarette she says “absolutely not, you’re much too young.”
Okay, Mrs. Robinson.
The housewives continuing having a weird relationship with the children in this show by showing a clip of Susan asking her daughter if she could use her college money for a boob job. Julie, I should add, is like fifteen at the start of this series so do with that what you will. Susan’s just asking Mike out to dinner but she’s freaking the fuck out and Julie’s like just go before Mike realizes he can do better. LMFAO DRAG HER ASS! This is the kid YOU now have full custody of absolutely MURDERING you in your kitchen because you only wanted to keep her to hurt her dad.
I’d make jabs at you, too.
Susan knocks on her door and stumbles with asking him out as Edie saddles up behind him saying she made “too much ambrosa so wanted to bring it over to Mike’s.” Susan makes up some bullshit story about a clog in her pipe as Mike goes to grab his tools. She runs home and her and Julie start stuffing hair, peanut butter, and oil down the drain. The doorbell rings and they look towards the project Julie’s been making of a Trojan horse to I guess clog the sink with because Julie has zero agency out of being the quirky daughter with one liners. They clog the sink and Mike finds the problem: someone stuffed popsicle sticks down the sink. Susan laughs it off and we cut to perfect family Bree having dinner at a fancy Texas Roadhouse esque place. The kids ask if they can go play arcade games and Bree is resistant until Rex dismisses them. Bree is upbeat despite being at a chain restaurant and is like I can be cool, I can be fun, and Rex admits he wants a divorce. He can’t live in “this detergent commercial anymore.” She smiles and leaves to go get salad for him as Mrs. Huber chases her down at the salad bar. She says she’s doing great as she brings Rex back his plate of salad.
Unfortunately for Rex, there’s onions in that salad! Time for a little allergic reaction, oopsie!
Paul Young wakes up to shoveling sounds outside his window in the middle of the night. He runs to his window to see what’s up and see his father burying in the pool. As he goes to the side of the pool to check out what’s up, he sees his dad sweating, uncovering cement to get to whatever is below the surface of the pool. If it’s what I think it is, I’m pretty sure later it’s revealed that (SPOILER!!!!!) Paul accidentally killed his sister so his mom and dad buried her bones. Paul=bad???
Kill all men isn’t a joke, it’s a call to action!!!!!!
Lynette’s back to hating her life as a mom when Tom finally comes home from his business trip. The boys are enthusiastic their dad is home, giving them a break from their nagging mother, and Tom gives them a football to throw around for twenty minutes outside until he goes out to see them. Obviously, him and Lynette are going to try to sneak in some fucking time and they do, immediately heading to the bedroom to get to it. She’s like “I’m covered in peaches, I’m exhausted, I look terrible is it okay if I just lay here?” and he’s like yeah that’s fine. She lets him know she had to go off the pill because of swelling and can he put on a condom and he goes “it’s fine, let’s risk it” to which she HEADBUTTS HIM!!!!! Lynette said are you FUCKING Kidding ME!!!! And HEADBUTTS HIM!
YES LYNETTE, GET HIM.
Bree is now in the hospital with Rex and admit it was an honest mistake she tried to kill him. Mrs. Huber came over to talk to her and she was distracted so she made a mistake. Rex takes the time to chide Bree for the way she is, saying he’s sick of how perfect she is with her pearls, fluffed hair, and well made bed. “Where’s the woman I fell in love with who used to burn the toast and drink milk out of the carton?” he wonders, chastising her for being so far removed, cold, and perfect. She smiles and gets up to get the flowers on his bedside more water, finally crying in the bathroom. When she emerges from the bathroom, however, she betrays no emotion. Damn, honestly Bree reminds me a lot of my mom and I’m getting hella sad at the prison she’s created for herself to live in.
If you’re reading this mom, it’s okay not to clean the kitchen every day.
Carlos is expecting the lawn when Gabrielle comes out in a dress saying they’re going to be late to the fancy event. Carlos is like “I’m going to fire John he’s not even mowing or doing his job” and Gabrielle freaks out about it, saying he can’t see the grass is mowed because it’s dark. When they get to the event, she slips the waiter money to make sure Carlos has a drink in hand all night and speeds home to mow the grass herself, indicating Jesse Metcalfe’s dick is worth it. He really was everywhere in the early 2000’s, pushing his way in to our bedrooms. I’m happy he spoke about the unrealistic expectations all these rolls placed on him and the pressure it puts on other actors:
"Being a sex symbol is very much about the roles that you play and my roles put me up on a pedestal," Metcalfe said. "But my appearance was also criticized and picked apart by a lot of people in the media. Having your shirt off in every episode of Housewives brought a lot of pressure."
Susan runs into the noisy Mrs. Huber in the grocery story looking for medicine to help with her tummy. She passes word to Susan that Edie’s son is staying over at her house because Edie is having a gentleman friend over for dinner she’s going to fuck and Susan storms home to complain to her only friend, her fifteen year old daughter. Julie says maybe they’re just having dinner and Susan responds by wearing a shirt with no bra, tits out, to return a measuring cup to Edie’s house. After knocking on the front door and realizing it’s locked, she snoops around to the back and breaks in, since apparently no other man exists in the world for Susan to fuck besides this one, who she’s losing her mind over. “Let’s Get it On” is playing and she sees a ton of discarded clothes on the floor. Freaking out, she sits on the couch and throws Edie’s bra behind her, knocking over a candle that immediately catches the curtains on fire. She tries setting it out by pouring wine on it then trying to put the fire out with jeans she later flings in to the middle of the living room. Susan immediately abandons the scene and runs out.
Susan later meets up with her four friends as they witness the burning house and see Edie, covered in a hospital blanket, who ran out completely naked. They reassure Susan that Edie will get through this and the girls begin to walk away. As Susan leans up against a cop car noticing the destruction she’s made, Mike walks up and asks what happened? Susan, giddy again, asks where he was. He says the “movies” and Susan beams, forgetting the fact she just set her neighbors house on fire.
Mike goes back home and rings up someone on a seedy phone call. The person on the other end asks if he’s close at all and he says “not yet, but I’m getting closer” and puts a gun on the table to build suspense. Susan the next day, however, is overjoyed that Mike hasn’t slept with Edie and toasts with her friends outside Mary Alice’ house after packing up her house. They share a nice goodbye to Mary Alice and drink their champagne, finding a letter addressed to Mary Alice in one of the boxes. Gabrielle reads it and passes it over to Susan. The note reads “I know what you did. It makes me sick. I’m going to tell.” She received the letter the day she died and the four ponder over what she may have done. We end with an overhead drone shot of the beautiful neighborhood fading out of view.
I’d be reminisce to not give this at least a 9 or above. The premiere of Desperate Housewives was so groundbreaking in its storyline, set, and costume design that I not only loved the pilot, but laughed multiple times through out. It shows suburban wifehood from four separate perspectives that I’m sure must have been so cathartic to see for mom’s of it’s time. It’s over the top ridiculous, fun, and sexy. Could be because of my long history with the show but this was easily the best Pilot of television I’ve seen thus far in my reviewing history. Proud to know it ran for eight seasons. It was well deserved.