NOW PLAYING: American Horror Story: Double Feature
Does anyone else remember the AGGRESSIVE advertising for this season?
Today we bid adieu to the American Horror Story series as a whole. A sad day, I write, as rain pours outside in droves, God crying that Ryan Murphy will die after I send out this last newsletter. On this day of February 22nd 2022 we close the chapter on whatever fever dream *motions to American Horror Story* is. We had the good times (Evan Peters appearing) the bad times (Emma Roberts existing) and the ugly times (what is UP with all those rape scenes???) We thrived anytime Sarah Paulson was gay (+Asylum/-Cult), we cried when Evan Peters was tearfully killed by evil girlfriend Emma Roberts in Coven, and we died upon learning Cult WAS the 2016 election.
It’s been a ride, folks. And like every relationship I’ve ever had with a man, the ride must come to an end.
American Horror Story Double Feature is unforgettable, namely, because of how much they upped the ante on marketing for this season. If you, like me, lived in a city it was almost impossible to avoid advertisements of an alien making out with a vampire person on the side of bus stops. I familiarized myself with this advertisement often, seeing how late the 22 and 36 was, and because of that, never gave Double Feature a chance. Maybe Murphy’s idea to rev up advertising was a last ditch attempt to revive a dying series.
Wonder how well that worked.
Double Feature is divided in to two parts: Red Tide, which takes place by the sea, and Death Valley, which takes place by sand. The first six episodes take place by the sea and the last four take place by sand which, when Googled, is all I could find about the plot of this series. Was Murphy intentionally trying to remain vague to draw in his last remaining viewers? Or is there no plot because the series sucks and so does Double Feature?
I’m guessing the latter.
Haunting string music plays us in to a desolate landscape. Snow covered and sprawling, a weird kid in the back seat of Lily Rabe and Finn Wittrock’s automobile is counting off numbers as they pass roadkill. They stop at a deer in the middle of the road and pull off to the side of the road to help it. The little girl gets out too because she wants to see this dead deer who’s insides are coming out its neck. A close up indicates maybe a bite was taken out of it? I’m not entirely sure. Dead deer always make me sad because I grew up in Iowa where they always were.
Something pulls the deer off screen and we cue the intro music. Apparently MaCaulay Culkin is in this season. Neat!
The family enters Provincetown, a sleepy village off the coast that looks really beautiful. As credits flash, we learn Evan Peters produced this season which feels a lot like when a teacher rewards your A+ on a paper with a gun. I’m not sure if this tracks but it felt right when I wrote it. The word for that is “Nepotism” but if you stuck with a sinking ship for ten seasons, I think you’d at least earn Producer. Hell, he has stock in it, at this point.
The family pulls up to their cute little house and we learn Rabe is pregnant. The manager of the house, Martha, says the pilgrims landed here before Plymouth. Their daughter points out this house is haunted and the dad is like yeah you dumb bitch nooooo shit. We’re in a town older than dust itself and only 3,000 people live here, every place is going to be haunted. Martha is renting this house out to them on behalf of the Browns and is getting to know them. Wittrock is writing a pilot while they’re out there in bumfuck no where a la’ the Shining and Rabe says the Browns offered her three months free on the house if she redecorates. Martha’s a little uneasy about this but whatever. We also learn the daughter is homeschooled which: Yikes.
One mom, one dad, and a kid who says this place is “haunted?” This is LITERALLY THE SHINING!!
Wittrock leaves to go get supplies and we get a shot of what looks like someone watching him. A few lights on the houses nearby turn red but he thinks nothing of it as he strolls through the grocery store running in to Sarah Paulson, who’s looking REAL bad for this role holy shit. She tells him he’s going to die here and the manager is like SCRAM, SHOO! The owners name is Mikey and we finally learn Wittrocks name is Harry Gardener. A red light flashes behind Paulson’s head but Wittrock does his best to ignore her.
Next shot!
We move on to a shot of the daughter, childhood wonder she is, playing the violin like a PRO. It’s very beautiful music as it inter-splices a scene with a fox running through a desert bank trying to find cover. Wittrock is clearly stressed by this music and his blank page while Rabe is examining the curtains trying to find inspiration on how to spruce the place up. It’s a high stress scene and we get the feeling Wittrock is about to have a freak out on Alma, the daughter. “Honey, please, tone it down a bit,” he says and she clocks his ass saying “I thought music was supposed to help the creative mind.” I can empathize with this, seeing as when I can’t write I’m more stressed than anything and it’s not music that’s hurting but me, so I get where he’s coming from. He’s kind of weird about trying to not get his daughter to play, saying his love for her is so much that it demotivates him from working, and she’s like “just be straight forward. It’s annoying.” Which, yeah? Just be straight forward. She’s like I’m confused why do you have to do so much rework if they already bought the script um, ouch!!!! It’s called edits you dumbass!!!!!!!
Okay so we’re learning the child is the villain, I see.
Rabe takes her outside away from Wittrock to leave him to work. They head to a sprawling cemetery and Alma wonders out loud what killed the pilgrims here. This daughter thinks about death a lot causing me to think she’s not well adjusted whatsoever. As they walk, a tall thing that looks like Voldemort emerges from the shadows and starts following them. Rabe is like okay come on let’s move and they start running away from him as he starts chasing them. Wittrock locks the sun room door as this man starts banging on their windows. He eventually leaves but the family is incredibly rattled.
Pretty big yikes if you ask me.
The local cop says most of the crime has to do with opioid addicts around town. Break-ins, shoplifting, etc. Rabe tells the cop (Angelica Ross) she was chased by this dude and the cop is like hmmm no? I think he was just trying to scare you actually this is NBD whatsoever. She worked Oakland PD for fifteen years and quit to take this job because it’s boring so whatever theory Rabe has about Lyme disease affecting people’s brains around here she’s not really interested in looking in to. This cop just wants peace but she’ll send deputies to scare the drug addicts just in case. As she turns to go, Wittrock vibe checks her, bringing up a family that was killed in their own bed. Cop curves this accusation and is like daddy chill, it’s fine.
The couple reconvenes, says it’s too big an opportunity, and decide to stay.
Later that night Wittrock is google this Cape-cod murder he brought up and notices they died in an “animalistic” way. A tap on the window startles their daughter Alma awake and she goes to investigate, noticing three vampires (?) pooling at the foot of her window. When Wittrock looks, however, no one is there. She goes to sleep with Rabe for the night and Wittrock sighs, pouring himself more coffee to write into the wee hours of 4 AM. He tops it off with some whiskey for good measure seeing as his page is still blank. Falling asleep on the couch, he’s woken up by his daughter saying in the army he’d be shot for falling asleep on duty like the little Ms. comedian she is.
He goes for a run because he has no time to put up with this lmfao.
On his run he notices off in the distance two bodies with their entrails spilling out. Hopefully, this is the wake up call they need to get the heck out of there because ??? no???? The police show up to investigate the scene and really prove they have no idea how to do their job. One suggests it’s a great white shark who did this which makes no sense since they move south during the winter but okay! When he heads home, Rabe notices something’s off with him. He wants to take her out tonight to the restaurant to celebrate life because he’s shook and they’re hiring the manager of the house Martha to watch over Alma tonight. Alma is nervous about this but she has no choice because she’s a literal Child. She has no autonomy. This is how the world works, baby.
As Rabe gets ready for the date tonight, she vomits because she’s sick which is peculiar because it’s a little late for morning sickness. Wittrock lays her down for a hot second and she’s like “I don’t want to ruin the night, you go. Bring me back a steak or burger I’m craving red meat.” Are we going to have another situation like season one where the baby is literally Lucifer? She tries really hard to get him out of the house insisting she’ll be fine and he leaves to head to the little bar called the Muse.
Also I’d like to sidebar and say look how attractive Finn Wittrock looks in this episode:
At the bar a little twink goes yoo hoo! Over here Mr. Wittrock! But he hardly notices. He swirls his drink around until other twink MaCaulay Culkin saddles up to him trying to get a free drink claiming Wittrock looks like an “angry top.” He’s like excuse me, I have a reservation and Culkin is like “call me” and indicates they should bang dicks. Evan Peters is singing with an old woman giving homoerotic energy. We’re learning Cape Cod is queer friendly and that’s why it’s so weird, it’s being filtered through the straight nuclear family perspective. Maybe if you putt on a pair of fishnets the vampires would leave you alone, Wittrock, you ever consider that? Peters sings a little number with Frances Conroy that isn’t Ghetto Superstar but is the original beat for it as Rabe on the phone says she’s about to pass out, goodnight dear old husband no burger for me please ta ta! It is time to slumber!
She hangs up as the camera pans to more vampires outside her window howling or something.
Another drink shows up for Wittrock as he writes something down on a napkin. Noticing Conroy and Peters ordered Wittrock another drink, he heads on over to say hi and realizes they’re also writers! Even more, they’re friendly! Maybe he’ll finally make friends on this god foresaken island. Peters introduces himself as Austin Sommers, three Tonys and Peabody winner, and Conroy is Sarah Cunningham who writes under the pseudonym Belle Noir, who Wittrock knows. She insists he drinks with them and he obliges, flattered they consider him on their level. Sommers has been coming out there to write for a few years now because this place is inspiring in the winter when no one is there. She arrives in November and by the time May rolls around she has a best seller. He rolls up with a portable piano and by Spring he has a play on his hand. This is great for Wittrock because he’s having writers block and they’re like it won’t last long, trust us.
Paulson shows up to get scraps of food and once again levies concern at Wittrock in the form of “get the fuck out of here and stay away from those two blood suckers.” Okay, so Peters and Conroy are vampires, too! Fun! “If that doesn’t inspire the muse to visit you I don’t know what will,” says Conroy as Wittrock heads home to lock all the doors and windows, checking on his family before he gets to writing. He pours himself some tea when a heavy bang is heard nearby, a window that got dislodged due to wind. Out of nowhere, a vampire attacks him as he grabs a coat holder and bludgeons it to death.
Talk about a typical Tuesday am I right?
Meanwhile on another part of the island Culkin is in bed with Conroy charging $50 for the fuck he just gave. She says “I’ll give you $200 for a taste” and he’s like no, you almost killed me last time lmfao. She’s like but PLEASE it’s the BEST WAY for me to get crystal meth in my system without doing it and she’s like “I suck you or you dont get shit how about that?” He obliges, since he’s poor, and we establish this as a thing for the rest of the season.
Paulson is digging through the trash munching on bones when a cell phone rings. She picks it up and a voice says “you have three hours” as she whimpers about her inability to “do it.” Does she have to kill someone or something? What’s up? Can’t be the vampire Wittrock just killed, since the cops just wheeled him out of the house, but it could be someone else. Perhaps Paulson has to kill the family that just moved in?
STAKES ARE HIGH!
The cops say Wittrock has to come in and make a statement but that he’ll be fine since it was self defense and no ones going to miss a drug addict who broke in just to steal a stereo. Wittrock is like no, he tried to bite my throat, and Queen Gateboss Girlkeep Cop is highly suspicious of this. She leaves saying “I doubt you’ll have any more trouble tonight” as Rabe goes to comfort her husband. THeir daughter doesn’t know what happened and they plan to keep it that way. He’s decided they’re leaving tomorrow and she’s kind of upset because he didn’t even consider her when making that decision but whatever, she can Instagram from anywhere.
Paulson greets Conroy at her house with something in her bag and Conroy says she sold her soul for greatness and what is Paulson doing but selling her soul to be CLOSE to greatness. She grabs a crystal from a box which I assume is meth but really, it seems Paulson is doing it for protection. She grabs the rock as Conroy grabs the bag from her revealing a crying baby she’s probably going to eat.
Paulson cries and runs down the street.
Moving day! The family is packing up when their daughter admits she doesn’t want to go back to New York. She looks off ominously behind him and says “i guess this house is haunted now” before stomping upstairs to get the rest of her things. Wittrock closes his blank computer as his cellphone rings with an Unknown Number. It’s Auston Sommers asking him to come over to his place but he says it’s not a good time we’re leaving actually. He says no haha don’t do that you’re sooo sexy. I have something to cure your writers block, is it drugs? Is this just a village of former writers now druggies trying to make ends meet?
I’d buy that script.
Wittrock rolls up to Peters house and boy, is it nice. He pours himself a drink saying being drunk is the key to being alive, essentially. He throws Wittrock a couple of rock looking things that are pills designated to help “artists and writers.” They have no name but Peters insists these magic little black pills helped him, and Belle, write. Wittrock is like ok what’s in them? Side effects? Peters can’t give a direct answer but he’s selling it because Wittrock is a writer who wants to succeed. He said you chose this life for love and attention and honestly, same. I have a great time writing but an even better time posting on Instagram that I WROTE a thing, you know? Wittrock refuses the drugs which is a rookie move but I guess the “smart one???” I would have been balls deep in to this little baggie by now off in the woods doing God knows what but hey, to each their own.
“Morals” and “ethics” and blah blah blah.
Peters said “you would rather die than keep all of those wonderful words bottled up inside of you.” He gives him the pills to go and promises he won’t be sorry. No time though, as he’s packing up his car getting ready to go. His manager Ursula calls him and he tells her he’s going back to the city until they find somewhere for them to settle. Ursula insists no, that’s not happening. He’s on deadline and he’s not allowed to “not feel it.” She says if you want to continue being a professional writer you need to create things on your own Today. She says it will take him years to recover if he screws this up but also, he has a family!!!!!!! Can someone give him a break??? The boy is stressed now thinking thinking thinking when a crazy idea comes to mind. What if he just took a pill!!!! What if his daughter saw him take the pill, too!
Down the hatch she goes, bestie!
My favorite part of the ending of this episode is the credits sequence. Look at this.
Honestly? I was pretty bored with this pilot. I’ll give it a 4.5/10. Maybe I’m just done with the series overall but I wasn’t sold on the “Vampires in Cape Cod thing.” To celebrate ending AHS, I’m going to rank the pilots based on favorites. Starting from best to worst, we’ve got.
Asylum (Lesbian Journalist Protagonist! Nice)
Freak Show
Murder House
1984
Coven
Roanoke
Double Feature
Apocalypse
Hotel
Cult
This past two months covering AHS has been a blur so I reserve the right to change my mind on how I ranked these later but this is how it stands for me thus far.
So long, Ryan Murphy! Until we meet again for Glee!