American Horror Story: Apocalypse premiered November 2018 and, similar to most later seasons of AHS, I know very little of Apocalypse. Down 17.5% from the premiere of it’s predecessor Cult, it seems Apocalypse indicated the steadily declining fan base Ryan Murphy had built up with AHS. It started off as the least watched installment yet, raking in only 5.7 million viewers for the pilot when compared to Hotel’ 12.7 million viewers, a huge spike from Coven’s 5.7 million. Maybe Cult was the final nail in the coffin for Murphy’s audience, a divisive split down the middle taking a rather Libertarian approach to politics.
If anything, Cult moved along an already dying franchise.
Despite Cult’s less than stellar performance, Apocalypse managed to nag big name stars: including the return of Stevie Nicks, Connie Britton, and introduced a few new name beloved icons like Billie Eichner (?). Essentially, the series is depicting exactly what it’s putting forth: an Apocalypse. Nuclear missiles have destroyed most of the world, bringing on a nuclear winter , and an authoritative dictatorship prevails in a place called The Outpost. Overall, the series was considered an “improvement from recent season” according to critics and I do, in fact, remember a lot of praise coming it’s way during the time I spent on Tumblr.
Breakout star of the series goes to extremely hot actor Cody Fern:
The pilot starts off Gay, just how I like it. Evan Peters blows a whiff of hair off some blonde chicks head showing off his Barber shop skills and more importantly, his ice Blonde hairdo. In a black leather jacket and green ascot, Peters is giving Fag Couture. The blonde says she’s trying to become an Instagram influencer because despite her dad being a billionaire, she needs to make a name of herself. Billie Lourd hands her a little fruity drink and says “take a spit so we can post. Cold-pressed juice is trending right now.” Evan Peters clicks his tongue like a little Gay Boy and the blonde is upset about the juice tasting gross. Her assistant is “incompetent” in LA terms, meaning she probably has a degree and is perfectly capable for More, but blonde doesn’t care.
I feel like this actress is going to die so for now, her name is just Blonde.
A “ballistic missiles” alert goes off and in less than an hour, Los Angeles is going to be a desolate crater. Blonde’s papa Facetimes to say this is real but there are four spots in our bunker for our family so you need to get here IMMEDIATELY. A private jet is waiting for her at Santa Monica airport and that’s all the instructions she’s going to get because an alert is going off and her phone has cut out. Lourd pulls Coco (Blonde Chick) away because it’s time to go! Now now now!
If she lives and Evan Peters dies I’ll be FURIOUS! (We know that would never happen).
Widespread panic ensues as a public missile alert hits every phone. Billie Eichner (still ? about why he’s in this) watches a news report about the Pentagon being MIA as hell because Government. Brock (Eichner) picks up the phone to call WIFE (Straight) Coco (hate this) to get to Santa Monica Airport so they can have a future together breeding perfect, boring offspring. I stand by my previous note about this season starting off gayer than any other because something about fucking Billie Eichner playing a straight man is gayer than if he was playing a gay guy. It’s like Stanley Tucci existing. If Stanley Tucci was gay, we wouldn’t have the satisfaction of him being gay. We’d just be like “oh okay: he’s gay that’s obvious” but instead he leaves behind little bread crumbs like Devil Wears Prada and Supernova and we have to sit behind a screen gawking at the DRAMA of it all wondering IF he’s gay which is so CHAOTIC NEUTRAL that is is, in itself, Gay (CAMP).
Do I make myself clear?
Anyways, Eichner is (TW) straight and London and Moscow have been destroyed by nuclear Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles. The news caster is like I’m not going to make it home, God bless America, Daddy loves you, all the generic shit, as the air raid signals go off. In a rich mansion some rich Lucille Ball woman doesn’t give a flying fuck the world’s ending because she’s sipping on Crystal like it’s another Tuesday. Her house keeper is like uh, bye bitch! The world is ending, I’m not staying, and this woman is like okay, drama queen. Evan Peters shows up to collect his BOUGIE grandma who thinks this whole thing is fake news. She responds by saying ok then let’s open some burnt Champagne if the world is really ending.
Who IS this bitch.
Mallory (Lourd) decides she needs to bolt from the car literally in traffic and kiss her only chance of survival with Coco away by denying her plane ticket offering. Mallory, Coco has a BUNKER. She’s RICH. I’m sorry your mom is about to die but if you go with her, so are you. Mallory says “okay, I’ll come” and we get our first sensible person in the show! Not Mallory, but the person who just landed on their car windshield because he committed suicide when he heard the world was about to end. Legally I’m not supposed to advocate, or express, I would also KMS but uh……
I’d kiss a shotgun if my city was about to be decimated.
Evan Peters shows up to Santa Monica Airport with his expensive Grandma and he says THERES FOUR SPOTS: WE WANT IN. He was taking NOTES listening to the client who’s hair he was cutting and I respect that customer service. Room for all of us bestie! Here’s Nanie Evie. Coco is upset because she needs a spot for Brock but he’s stuck in traffic. It’s now or never because people are coming for the plane and the pilot is SHOOTING THEM. Coco is like Billie Eichner do you remember our contract of being able to release each other from monogamous relations? You’re free to see other people now! And this is Billie’s gay origin story because he’s standing there like:
She runs up the plane stairs as someone kills the pilot? The personnel? Not the pilot since apparently someone is flying them. Billie Eichner screams at the sky so I guess we’ll see if he survives lol. Oh my god I spoke too quickly about the pilot because no one is in the cock pit which isn’t good considering a huge blast just shook the plane. As the blast levels out we see a tuff of smoke rise from the ashes. Santa Monica has, in fact, been destroyed and we travel back in time to:
Forty Minutes Before the Bomb.
Now we are introduced to a suburban family celebrating their sons acceptance into UCLA. Congrats! I’ve heard that’s a great school. Regardless of the world blowing up, you’d probably never get a job you like post college and will eventually end up hating your life, but I’ve heard it’s a great school! Dad bursts through the door to give them a major vibe check when he asks “haven’t you guys been watching the news?” He turns it on to show them the world is on fire, something they would have known if they checked their phones. The newscaster once again ominously says “I can’t believe we did it.” Did what, exist? Make it to the end of time? I guess that’s an accomplishment?
Speaking of accomplishments the son who’s gotten in to UCLA has just been zoned in on by people who are apart of the “cooperative” who says his “special genetic makeup makes him a prime candidate” oooo so vague. They need him to come with them if he’s going to survive. They’re only here for him so he’s gotta say fuck his family because there’s no other way. They are forcibly ripping him away. They can’t even take his younger brother because he’s useless. Probably got talked over his entire life and now he’s getting left behind to die.
Youngest siblings who experience the same feelings as this viral Tiktok I made, rise up.
The brother being taken away is carted in to some underground holding cell and he’s like “I have rights” and they’re like “no you don’t” indicating this episode is queer coded. Clearly, they are pointing to the consistent injustice gay people face every day and I think that’s really brave of Ryan Murphy. Good on him for turning things around.
Now locked in a cell, he meets a woman also locked up who’s name is Emily. Timothy (UCLA brother) asks how long she’s been here and she says she doesn’t know. She was just stuffed in to a car and brought here. Unlike him, they didn’t tell her anything because she was found in jail after protesting on campus. Have a feeling they’re setting these two up for a longer love story because Heteronormativity. They got their blood tests from Ancestory.com and it’s important. Buzzers go off indicating the bombs have dropped and Timothy cries because his family is dead. We get a shot of the destruction before we speed ahead to:
Two weeks later.
Emily and Timothy are being taken to an outpost equipped for long term habitation. One of ten around the world, this place has EVERYTHING! People who escaped, rich people, real class A type people. I can’t imagine being stuck with now rich people thinking they’re the victims but hey, Emily and Timothy are built different. They can handle it. They put hazmat suits on as the gates to their outpost open and they take in their surroundings. It’s pretty dismal with fog everywhere but it’s important to note a fence surrounds the entire barrier. An ominous man walks in front of them indicating they should follow him and they do. They see two people randomly executed in the field being made out as an example telling them that if they are disobedient, they dead. They walk through a series of tall walls and mazes before being let inside to a high tech bunker complete with sliding doors, circular rooms, and smoke things that, I don’t know, clean them from the outside world?
It’s a lot of set up, so bear with me.
Inside Sarah Paulson greets them and says her name is Wilhemia Venable and this is Jackass. Welcome. This previously exclusive boys school is now Outpost 3, the place they’ll be staying forever, and they’re here to do wacky stunts and tricks. The Cooperative, the people who took both Emily and Timothy, converted this place once they realized the end was near so that boys could be boys in a Subterranean bunker. They’ve got plans far beyond the “temporary cleansing of the bomb.” This place is now a collection of the Visionaries: the best minds mankind has to offer. I’m not that smart, so I probably wouldn’t be accepted to whatever this boys school is, but I did figure out today that Angelina Jolie kisses her brother on the mouth a lot and not many people know that so I’d say I’m smarter than 30% of people!!!!
Venable has a whole speech essentially saying “don’t knock our lifestyle until you try it, we’re actually pretty progressive” since she’s got to sell the whole “you’re living underground from here on out.” She goes on to say social media gave people the illusion they were equal which I don’t think is true at all??? But this woman speaks like an old timey wizard so I’d agree with whatever she said. Also, the entire world has ended so you need to replace your mommy figure with someone. What better person than Sarah Paulson, who’s now giving them access to Private Suites since they are class Purple like they’re in college orientation.
All the creative juice in the world and all Ryan Murphy can come up with is “Group Purple.”
Apparently purple is code for “elite” or “those chosen to survive.” Money can’t buy you class in the Outpost sister and she wants them to KNOW that. Grays also exist as worker ants which doesn’t sound so bad. You’d have a purpose as a Gray. I’m still not sold on being a Purple despite not knowing if I’d even be qualified to be a Purple so I’m a little hesitant about the whole thing. I wonder if there’s a Buzzfeed quiz that says what you’d be.
I didn’t find that but I did figure out how I die in the AHS series. Being susceptible to curiosity, I definitely agree with this:
Paulson is neither Gray nor Purple but the “strong right arm of the cooperative.” She’s the face of the whole operation so I guess she’s better than them? House rules are just don’t leave the building and refer to her as Ms. Veneable or whatever her last name is. IF they break these rules they’ll be forced to “take their chances with the canker pus monster beyond the gates.” Okay, so was everyone else turned in to a zombie? Drama! Tea! I love the build up.
Also before she leaves she’s like “don’t fuck.” And the girl is like “:/”
They’ve got a damn SCHEDULE which includes cocktails at 6 and other shit I didn’t pay attention to. Timothy starts showering and I genuinely feel bad he can’t get any cookie but we know him and Emily will probably get cookie later on in the series. On his mirror the numbers “666” are drawn in the steam as someone whispers “beware… Timothy” from far away. He looks around ominously but has no time to wonder because he has to get ready for dinner and DAMN, EMILY IS LOOKING GOOD. TURN THE BRIGHTNESS UP ON THIS ONE.
Evan Peters, also in purple, is annoyed of the Carpenter song they play 24 hours a day. We learn Coco, Nana (Evan Peters rich grandma), and Evan are all Purple while Mallory is Gray because hierarchy does map over in this world, too. Timothy and Emily join the chat which includes Dinah Stevens (Adina Porter), an old morning news host, and other people I haven’t seen. Paulson rings the bell to indicate dinner is served and the Gray working class people bring out a single cube that looks like a perfect ice cube. It contains every vitamin their body needs and Coco says she is still hungry. She paid a hundred million dollars for a ticket so she wants Gordon Ramsey to whip her up something. Paulson doesn’t take this outburst too well and slaps Coco because they have enough nutrients for the next eighteen months and how dare she be ungrateful. They must all be careful given the current “Situation.” That situation, as currently stands, is that something recently penetrated their barrier.
OoooOOOOOOOooooOO!
A carrier pigeon brought news from their benefactors or whatever that there are no more governments, only rotting corpses, starving people, and that three outposts have been overrun. They are the last vestige of life after two weeks of destruction and they will only survive if they follow rules. Unfortunately, there’s also been a spike of contamination from the outside in this room and everyone thinks it’s Timothy and Emily. As everyone is checked, the radioactive contamination is traced back to Evan Peters before it’s revealed that actually, it was also the gay guy who’s contaminated. This is bad because essentially, the contamination breaks apart their DNA and their body disintegrates which sounds painful. They’re brutally scrubbed down before Stu, the gay man, is still deemed dirty. Kathy Bates shoots him immediately which is a bummer for him because now his partner is left without anyone to hold!!!!
Bates goes to see Paulson decked head to toe in a beautiful purple dress and reveals under her cloak that she also is wearing a purple dress. I’m not sure if they also want to be Purple, given that’s technically the elite class, but they hold all the power in this cell so I’m extremely confused. Neverthless, they go look at themselves in front of the mirror and giggle at how naughty they’re being. We learn Stu, the gay man who was just killed, didn’t actually go outside he was just punished by Bates who cranked the sensitivity on the device to ten to make them seem like they were exposed. These two sadists bond over dispensing punishment because they’re psychotic and they cheers their glasses over cards. We learn they’ve made up their own rules and terrorize the guests which seems, in part, because Sarah Paulson wanted to. Bate is unsure about running around on the Cooperative because her dad was in Vietnam which, not sure how that tracks, but okay!
Back in the dinner room Andre (Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman) is upset about Stu being dead, which Coco approaches callously. She doesn’t want lesions to break out so it’s good he’s gone if he did go outside but Andre is unsure he did. Bates enters to say as long as you don’t break the rules, you’ll be fine. Also, we brought a treat for dinner tonight. It looks like chili and Evan Peters is smiling wide because he cannot wait to eat. Andre is the only one upset about this. “Are you trying to bribe us?” he says and Paulson says one individual is no greater than the group, this is simply a tragedy. There’s bones in the soup and I’m assuming that the soup was made from Stu. Andre pulls out what he thinks is a finger and they all realize Stu is the soup. Most people are revolted by this besides Nana, who continues eating on.
Again, an icon.
Andre is upset and they’re all trying to figure out what happened to Stu. A new song begins playing and Peters is confused since this is a new song. It must be a message that the Cooperative is coming to save them and everyone cheers before we pan to:
Eighteen Months later.
This flash forward indicates everybody is exhausted. They all look terrible. The nuclear winter came and finished off everything the bombs left behind. The world got colder, deadlier but luckily, Timothy and Emily got closer and could only kiss once a week, which seems like an arbitrary rule. Did they say they could kiss or can they not do that, too? What is this self imposed Too Hot to Handle business happening here?
They hold hands under the table at dinner as Sarah Paulson says this will be their last breakfast. They’re cutting back to one meal a day which feels insane, how are they supposed to survive on a Cube of Ice? Dinah gives a speech about how they must remain strong. People are out of sorts and Mallory says “let’s take our chances outside!” Evan Peters is yelling at Kathy Bates and all of a sudden, the alarms go off. Intruder alert. There’s been a breech. They all get on their horses to go check it out which, I’m confused, do they get new horses all the time? How do the horses survive outside? Do they wear a mask?
I’m just realizing how much this Pilot parallels Quarantine and I hate it!
Someone from the Cooperative shows their ID and says they need to speak to Sarah Paulson. I’m pretty sure it’s Cody Dern or whatever his name is, the really hot actor, and when he meets Sarah Paulson there’s tension. He praises her but it’s relatively condescending. The other three outposts have been over run and it’s only a matter of time before the same thing happens to her. There’s another Sanctuary with supplies to last a decade but he’s assigned to figure out who amongst them could survive. Essentially, he’s going to evaluate who lives or dies. MWAHA.
Overall I’ll give it a 7/10. It had a lot of promise and was such a step up from Cult that I imagine this season was a good one. It seemed like it redeemed the series VAGUELY.
Plus, that actor. Man, he’s hot. Look at him.