NOW PLAYING: American Horror Story: 1984
It's giving Slasher, it's giving Sex, it's giving Mr. Schuster in a prosthetic penis.
American Horror Story: 1984 is the ninth installation in the American Horror Story series, a clear sign AHS really should have quit while they were ahead. Similar to the latest seasons of AHS I, alongside many other in the franchise, gave up on the show at this time and am only familiar with 1984 through the gif sets shared on Tumblr. From what I can deduce from the photos I’ve seen, this season highly relied on oversaturated colors and highly visual costume designs and, seeing as I’m a slut for anything visually pleasing, I have high hopes for the pilot. Costumes, color, and a hot soundtrack can turn any flaming pile of trash into a work of Art, in my mind.
It’s why I’ll die by saying the O.C. is the only television show that will ever matter.
American Horror Story: 1984 shows an audience officially cut in half from previous seasons. With the series holding on by a thread, 1984 lost a million viewers from it’s predecessor Apocalypse. In fact, if you want to know historically where we’re at in how the series performed over time, here it is according to Decider:
Over the course of its first four seasons, AHS saw a steady increase in viewership every year. According to Nielsen, when the series first premiered, there was an average of 1.789 million people who watched each episode, based on the live plus seven day numbers. Asylum increased to 4.237 million. But it was Coven and Freak Show that saw the biggest viewership spike. Season 3 averaged 7.195 million viewers an episode, and Season 4 was the most viewed season to date with 7.638 million.
Conversely, subsequent seasons have seen a steady decline. Hotel and Roanoke dropped a million viewers but stayed in the same range with 6.156 million and 6.312 million viewers, respectively. Cult and Apocalypse then saw another substantial drop. Cult averaged 4.97 million viewers, and Apocalypse saw 4.893 million viewers. That was followed by a further drop of a million the following year. 1984 averaged 3.398 million viewers an episode. Fitting with this decline, this year’s Double Feature has seen the lowest telecast ratings of this series’ history. The total live plus seven day averages for this past season were 1.386 million. That’s roughly half a million fewer people than Season 1 saw, a season that premiered before the show was a hit.
AHS: 1984 follows the horror tropes set out by Friday the 13th and Scream. That’s right, it’s summer camp time and why they haven’t done this yet in the franchise is beyond me. I love any 80’s themed slasher summer camp film and I feel like they could have had this as an earlier season but I am fully convinced Ryan Murphy has zero brain cells. Additionally, this is the first season missing key players like Sarah Paulson and Evan Peters. Yikes.
Luckily, he finally honed in on what little brain power he had left to serves us a classic “group of friends looking for fun in the summer at Camp Redwood” story so I really can’t wait to see how this pilot pans out.
(Hilariously, Matthew Morrison from Glee is in this season as well which is the first draw I’ve had to actually finishing a series since the nostalgia of Asylum).
It is 1970 at Camp Redwood and we are starting off with a threesome scene, which I originally hoped would be a lesbian scene but it’s not. You can’t win them all! The three are kissing and smooching and talking about lambskins when they hear creaking go off in their cabin. Breathy, the brunette takes off her shirt and they’re really going at it. Sucks for them because while they were kissing a knife gets lodged in both their throats. The blonde tries to leave but unfortunately, she is also killed. Dragged out by the slasher, who cuts off her ear as a memento, the three are piled up on the cabin floor alongside everyone else in the cabin.
Cut to: the theme music.
I must say I was pretty blown away by this intro. It was fast, concise, and the build up was nonexistent. They knew WE knew it was coming and they expedited the process. Like… They’re not fucking around this season.
We’re introduced to Montana (Billie Lourd), Xavier (Cody Fern), Ray (Deron Horton), Chet (Gus Kenworthy, and Brooke (Mortal Enemy: Emma Roberts). They’re humping n’ pumping in a soft pastel pink workout room in outfits that are reminiscent of Eric Prydz Call on Me music video. They’re stretching, it’s erotic, I can already tell Montana’s going to be my favorite character based on how Extra she is, lots of moving parts. Montana checks out Brooke in the shower and says “nice bod, I’m not a lez tho” which is interesting because she is clearly a bisexual due to her cheetah jumper and overall chaotic vibes. She says she noticed Brooke checking out her friend Chet and is wondering if she’d want to be set up but Brooke is evasive as hell and Montana assures her everyone comes to this class to hook up. Brooke is new to town and Montana’s like let me take you under my wing, I’m a huge aerobics bitch. It’s L.A., baby! Be chill. Be cool. Hook up with Chet. Stop having a stick in your ass whiny virgin.
Montana saddels up to Xavier and slings her arm over his shoulder. Xavier, who was teaching the class, talks about a murder that just happened in Glassell Park and Brooke timidly chimes in to say more murders happen in the summer because it’s hot. I don’t even have to look this fact up to know she’s telling the truth because of course more people would murder in the summer. There’s bugs, sweat, general discomfort, everyone’s outside. It’s prime time for a good ol’ killing unlike winter where everyone’s inside with their windows boarded up. They’re impressed she knows things about murder and Montana introduces her to everyone. Chet goes up and makes extreme eye contact with her which is supposed to be hot, I guess. She gets the background on how they all know each other and they say “It’s L.A. does anyone truly know each other here?” This is BEFORE the age of Instagram so I can’t imagine how bad people out there must have been then if they’re complaining about it.
Xavier and Montana used to date because they bumped into each other on the road on the way to an audition. Montana made friends with Ray through seeing him at a party. Ray made friends with Chet at an exercise class. They bonded together out of necessity more than anything but semantics don’t matter because it’s time for Xavier to have a monologue about how he’s getting the heck out of dodge now that crime is on the rise and they predict it to be as bad as “Son of Sam in the summer of 78’.” I do feel like L.A. has seen a lot of shit, seeing as the Night Stalker was also active at this time, so I would also be scared. Xavier says he’s going to be a summer camp counselor this summer to get away from it all up at Camp Redwood and they should all come. Ray is super into leaving and jumps at the opportunity because the Olympics is coming to town and it’s about to be chaos. Chet is surprisingly quiet but he jumps in wordlessly and Montana is like sure, why not. I’m a cool girl I go with the flow. She turns around to Brooke to ask if she’s in and she’s like I’m taking classes at Santa Monica College to be a Vet Assistant and they make fun of her for this.
Really? You’re judging her while looking like THAT? Lmfao. Okay. (This is me signaling that if anyone wants to buy me the outfit Cody Fern is wearing in this screenshot my address is…….)
Xavier says “we’re all putting our lives on hold for this but trust us it’s worth it. You don’t want to put your life on hold staying here this summer.” Montana writes her number down on Brooke’s hand in case she changes her mind about coming with them in a vaguely homoerotic way. Brooke drives home and gets in to her apartment late at night causing me to think a robbery or something is going to spook her into going to summer camp with them. As she eats alone and prepares for dinner sadly alone, a bleak reminder of how we need to always take advantage of our 20’s, we see her toying with an engagement ring before falling asleep. A robbery takes place and this actor is insanely hot so I hope he stays around. He’s mad she has essentially no jewelry and he’s like “at least we’ll see blood because you’re going to die by the hands of the….” get this “NIGHT STALKER.”
Okay so I pulled the trigger a little earlier but alas, here we are.
She hits him with a frying pan and the people outside assure her the cops are on their way. He flees but assures her satan will show her the way so alright she’s definitely not staying there anymore. Off to Camp Redwood! Drinking with the gang trying to take the pressure off everything, she regales the trauma of the situation and Montana touches her leg (lez) to assure her she is safe with them. Ray assures her exactly, this is going to be a great summer. He has enough blow and weed to last them an entire summer and it’s time to party. Chet, angry, says no we can’t joke about this I don’t wanna do drugs because apparently he disqualified from the Olympics because he blew a high number or peed a high number or something about a high number. Basically, he had a fuck ton of drugs in his system because he’s cool but the Olympics hates cool people. He rips off his shirt to prove his innocence before saying “fuck it” and doing a line of Coke.
Hell yeah, now we’re talking.
Brooke passes on the Coke and Montana is like more for me! They stop for gas and Xavier goes to the pay phone to make a call. Maybe he’s letting the camp know they’re getting more counselors coming their way that did not interview for a job? Nope, he’s calling his own voicemail because that was a thing I guess people did in the 80’s. A vaguely threatening “I know where you live” message plays and also drops something about his dick making me wonder if HE’S gay. He certainly dresses gay i.e. better than everyone else in the car, which is what tipped me off to maybe him and Montana being two lil’ twinks. Montana, dramatic, yells at Xavier that it’s time to go if they’re going to get to Redwood in time. The gas attendant, overhearing this, tells them to turn around and go back to the city if that’s where they’re headed. He says “you’re all going to die” and Xavier just smirks as he takes off down the road.
Okay Cabin in the Woods.
He’s hella lost as they drive and is turning to light a bong for Chet when he slams into someone with his car head on. The guy they hit has injuries already, indicating he’s been in the woods for a while, and Xavier takes this as a sign they should just leave the guy. It’s easy to argue they DIDNT hit him if he already had injuries, so why not? Brooke, bleeding heart of America, says No. Hard pass. They end up taking this guy with him which is red flag number One because if any of us have seen slasher movies, the killer is probably the guy they hit. Xavier is like alright we’ll take him back to camp but the story is we didn’t hit him, okay. He grabs Brooke’s wrist and says “you gotta believe me, I tried” before passing out. Oooo, ominous!
On to Camp Redwood, baby.
This camp is serving wooded LOOKS like the little cottage core SLUT it is! All wood cabins, Margaret Booth (Leslie Grossman) the owner chopping wood. This place has got EVERYTHING! They’re currently short staffed and say the phrase “wear many hats” which is corporate for “exploit my workers” (vomit) but they’re young, dumb, and full of Cum. These five are somehow the only employees because the Olympics took counselors from them and Brooke is immediately all business, asking if they can take the guy they just run over to the infirmary. They tote him off to the nurse and say they found him on the side of the road which she believes for some reason. He’s dehydrated and probably delusional from camping but this nurse also doubles as someone who works in the ER so he won’t die under her watch.
Meanwhile Booth wants to show them a tour of the camp and says that the lake is bottomless, potentially implying some future Lagoon monster. The first source of death for campers is drowning so they better take care of these kids despite not being lifeguard certified. Chef Bertie, the cook of the camp, is the ancient haggard cook of the camp. She’s been around a WHILE leading me to believe that she had something to do with the deaths that took place, there. Apparently Margaret was the one who chose to reopen this place after the whole summer murder thing happened and thank God she did because look at this place: Gorgeous.
They’ve got a strict schedule. Girls shower in the AM boys in the PM which sucks for girls because I’m solely a shower at night kind of bitch. Booth lays down the NO SEX law and Chet, brave, says “you expect us to be celibate all summer?” I guess they’re in their twenties, so it’s not weird she indicates it’s fine if they masturbate, but something about it is weird to me, I will say. She’s uptight about sex and Xavier says “sex won the sexual revolution” which is a great line. She, however, has been fighting the lord’s fight so she will not succumb to filth (Van Halen) because she’s a good little blonde christian girl. She bought this camp using the fortune she got from her husbands untimely death so God damnit, they better not spoil the place. This is an oasis for kids to escape from so they better follow her rules.
Pause for a minute because I am baffled by how these NEWLY EMPLOYED kiddos are talking to their new boss. “But Ms. Booth why can’t we have sex? It’s the 80’s!” Okay, and? You don’t see me freaking out about the fact I had no one to fuck in the Old Navy break room. I did, however, take an entire photoshoot PRETENDING I lost my virginity at Old Navy when I worked there. I added a black and white filter to make it more melodramatic and emo.
Almost the same as these kids struggles in American Horror Story.
Night falls and they light a fire to roast marshmallows. Openly SMOKING WEED ON THE JOB they offer the joint to the nurse and she says “uh.. no thanks lol.” She asks if they’ve been camp counselors before and they’re like nah, just wanted to get away from LA. She doesn’t blame them, considering the murders, and Brooke goes on some whiny trip about how she was attacked by the Night Stalker. Thankfully, Montana says ‘take a chill pill” and the nurse Rita tries to talk about what happened fourteen years ago there but Xavier shuts her down. He’s like Rita I respect where you’re going with this but our friend Brooke had a for-real assault and we’re not in the mood for ghost stories. She says okay little White Gay Boy if you’re going to interrupt me I’m going to serve your ass and she does. How do you think we got these jobs, she wonders. We have no prior experience and still got jobs because nobody wants to be here.
This is the site of the worst summer camp massacre of all time. The killers name was Mr. Jingles which is a fucking hilarious name for a killer. If I heard that as a kid at a summer camp I would be the first to die because I would make fun of him for his name up until my death. Is it possible to bully a serial killer to the point of tears because I’d like to be the first to do it. Put me and Mr. Jingle in the cage at Camp Redwood in 1978. I can get him to Kill Himself.
Anyways Mr. Jingles was drafted into the Vietnam War and he loooved murdering people in Saigon. After he was wounded he went back for a second tour because he liked to kill and would collect trophies from his enemies like ears strung into a necklace. The army discharged him and the only job he could get was at Camp Redwood, where he snapped, grabbed a knife, and slaughtered an entire cabin of ten victims. Booth strolls up, pours out their alcohol, and retells the story with an asterisks that nine died, not ten. She pulls back her hair to show she has no ear, indicating she was in the intro scene from earlier and she survived because of Jesus. She saw him CUT OFF HER EAR but gave him NOTHING! This bitch didn’t even REACT when he cut off her ear.
Alright I take it back I love her.
The jury only took an hour to find him guilty but that wasn’t the end of it. She bought the camp to reopen it to take all of her worst memories and turn them into good ones which is wild. Why would you want to continually reopen a wound and subject yourself to trauma like that? It’s not cathartic. Hell, I’m doing it right now watching Kanye manipulate Kim with his Instagram posts. I’m obsessive about it but then I’m like oh wait I literally had an ex do this controlling stuff before so I STOPPED VISITING KANYES PROFILE! That’s what you do, Booth. You block a celebrity on Instagram you don’t BUY THE CAMP WHERE YOU WERE ALMOST MURDERED.
Same level of importance IMO.
The guy who was hit by the car wakes up breathing heavily and he’s confused. He pulls his hair back to reveal his OWN ear has been cut off and we realize alright, the killer is still alive or on the loose. In another part of camp Brooke is looking to come check in on the guy they hit and he lurks in the darkness saying ominous things like “you shouldn’t be here.” She tries to get him to lay down again and he tells her that “the phone lines are down.” He’s confused until she tells him that they are at Camp Redwood and he reacts aggressively. “GO. LEAVE. NOW.” Brooke relays this message to our pals back in the lobby of whatever cabin they’re staying in to reiterate that she is NOT having a good time this pilot episode. She thinks he has a concussion but people really don’t care. All of a sudden the door busts open and here stands the incredible, the magnificent:
MATTHEW MORRISON
Montana is super in to him and we realize he teaches Aerobics in Marina Del Ray and also is an extra on television shows. He OOZES cool counselor “technically boss but I’m your friend” energy and my jaw is on the floor. I cannot buy the Matthew Morrison as a sex God tale they are weaving but god damnit, I love it. Outside someone watches him, probably a fan from Glee, and we get shots of what MUST be someone lurking in the woods. He was in a Jane Fonda video so he’s a really big deal to Montana, especially because he had a big dick in the video and it’s the first thing she ever masturbated to.
Nice.
This admittance is followed by Montana swimming in the lake naked while Matthew Morrison follows her to also get naked and swim near her. Montana is putting the moves on thick and he somehow goes under water to give her head? An engine on shore is running and a car flashes their lights at them. A storm is coming so they better all get inside, says Montana. The hot scene is abruptly ended when we flash to:
EXT. MENTAL HOSPITAL
A frazzled Dr. Hopple is driving and sirens are going off at what I assume is the nearby psychiatric unit. You guessed it, Mr. Jingles ESCAPED! I’m confused here. If the hitch hiker got his ear cut off, are there two serial killers this season? On his way out the Ward, he hit the master release button so every inpatient has escaped so honestly, maybe it’s a ton of serial killers this season. Could be fun.
Dr. Hopple talks to some dude about this incident. They have the police looking everywhere for him and we learn how he escaped with a quick cut to THREE HOURS LATER. Richter, the guy previously branded Mr. Jingles, is hanging in his cell which a nurse practitioner promptly checks out. Of course Mr. Jingles, big trickster he is, was kidding! He’s not actually HANGING FROM A NOOSE! He gets down from his makeshift noose which, if you were suicidal like me would KNOW this would never kill anyone and thus, would never find yourself in this situation, and picks up the attendants keys to let himself out. He puts on the attendants glasses and goes to town unlocking every cell, pushing the buttons to let everyone out. We flash forward to Dr. Hopple checking out his cell only to find a newspaper clipping of the camp site reopening.
Not hard to figure out where he’s going, here!
The gas attendant is fixing up a car in the rain and is clearly about to die. He drinks himself a wittle beer which is good because there’s no way he should be sober for getting the shit choked out of him. Keys jingle off screen and he’s suspicious of the sound. He sees the shadow a second too late because uh oh, Mr. Jingles just dropped the car he was working on over him and smashes his head in with his boot.
Bye bye, buddy!
Back at camp Chet is watching the Olympics with a certain degree of jealousy, seeing that he is not performing in it this year. Trevor aka Matthew Morrison says the Olympics must be heaven because they pass out a ton of condoms and this is Murphy’s cruel joke on us to try and have the audience sexualize Morrison. He has a FAKE PENIS that is HUGE for Gods sakes. Like, it’s laughably huge.
Brooke is upset about this because the male athletes outnumber the female athletes five to one which Chet is upset about. He throws something at Ray and fucks up his hand, unfortunate for him because now he has to go get bandages on his own since the nurse is off the clock. Heading out in the rain alone, we already can predict how this is going to end, seeing how Mr. Jingles just pulled up across the street to overlook the camp. Brook chases after Ray to apologize on Chet’s behalf for some reason and holds a washcloth over his hand, sharing a nice moment between the two of them where they make a lot of eye contact setting up a love story that will never come. Brooke runs off to go find iodine, pockets a few things from the infirmary, and looks around to find the hiker mysteriously missing. When she turns around he’s hanging on the back of the door dead.
Cue the chase sequence.
Brook is RUNNING through the rain as the opening of the Olympics take place. Screaming, she hits a branch and rolls down a hill. It’s Emma Roberts, so she’s clearly not going to die, but let’s entertain this for a bit. Finally she gets back to the cabin covered in dirt and tells everyone Mr. Jingles is after her but when they open the door, he’s gone. They start doubting her but go check to see if her story about the hiker is real. Flashing a light around the infirmary they go to open the door and of course, the hiker isn’t there. Brooke is dumbfounded, where is he? Montana finds a coat hanging nearby and is like is this your coat? Chet says “you’re high.” Xavier scoffs.
No one’s believing Emma Roberts and no one should. Let her die!
She’s panicking when she turns around and sees Booth in the doorway. Trevor covers for her by saying they were going to check in on the hiker but he must have left since he’s gone now. Meanwhile, Brooke is on the ground freaking out and Booth takes no mercy, saying “cleanliness is next to Godliness go get clean.” A phone rings in the distance and Brooke looks outside her window, suspicious about the pay phone going off. She wakes up Montana to see if she’ll go with her but no, she’s not in the mood. Instead our sweet little Emma Roberts goes out on her own, picks up the phone, and keys jingle on the other end. Not only has Mr. Jingle found her:
THE NIGHT STALKER IS ALSO ON THE SCREEN.
Overall I’m giving this a solid 8.5/10. Devoid of their all star cast, American Horror Story: 1984 really flourished in my opinion. They had a great set up, fun colors, an awesome location, and, more importantly, long schlong Schuster.
One more season to go before I’m ALL DONE WITH AHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ONE MORE ONE MORE!!!