Mental Preparation for The Bachelor, The End All Be All of Cis-Het Television.
Thoughts on Season 25 because my girlfriend and I are having an existential crisis.
Welcome to Season 25 of the Bachelor,
the longest running cis-het dating show ever to exist. Setting a precedent for every dating show to come after, this reality hellfire is a nightmare hole I have fallen down during quarantine with my girlfriend we both cannot escape from. On the heels of Tayshia’s season, we have decided to make a bracket in preparation for Matt James, a suitor we are less than enthusiastic about. Below is my assessment of each contender and my thoughts on them. Enjoy!
P.s. I’m not including photos of the contestant because it’s not what’s on the outside that counts, it’s what’s on the inside. <3
(Also, I’m too lazy to save 32 photos of people to my desktop just to insert in a newsletter nobody reads).
The Suitor
Matt James is a 29 year old Republican who is hot but is a Republican. A real estate broker who apparently played professional football after graduating from Wake Forest with a degree in economics. Already selling merch prior to the start of the season, this is a man who would absolutely talk down to me. Surprisingly, to my little knowledge on the background of The Bachelor, Matt James is the first Black Bachelor ever. What the fuck, ABC?
The Contestants
Abigail, 25: Client Financial Manager from Beaverton, Oregon. Negative points for being from a made up place. Reportedly “loves Calvin Harris because his beats slap” which they do. Funk Wave Bounces Vol. 1 rocked my world when it came out. Bonus points for her taste in music.
Alana, 26: Photographer from Toronto, Canada. Would pay money for her to hunt me with a bow and arrow in the woods. Wants to work as a restaurant critic for Michelin restaurants and loves “The Holiday,” a great movie with Jude Law where he is really hot.
Alicia, 24: Professional ballerina from New York, NY. Guys, this girl once performed on stage with Arethra Franklin. What the fuck? PopSugar classified her as “the most impress Bachelor contestant ever.” I’ll say it: she’s a big pick for me.
Amber, 30: Nursing student from Costa Mesa, CA. I don’t typically like nursing students so I am highly suspicious of Amber. Looks like every nursing student who might not have been nice to you in high school but also is a single mom who wants to take care of Beluga Whales. Mad respect for her. Gonna see how her plot line plays out.
Anna, 24: Copywriter from Chicago. Looks like if I met her at a bar she’d grow tired of talking to me. Would absolutely try to hit on her at DS Tequila because she kind of gives off bisexual vibes. Wants to write Hallmark movies (why?). She looks like an LGBTQ ally so I love her.
Bri, 24: Communications manager from San Francisco, CA. Drop dead gorgeous but “brunching is her favorite activity” which takes away from her beauty. Likes hiking which, I could never, but it’s good for her that she can’t stay indoors for two seconds. Raised by her grandmother and sounds like she has a lot of trauma, which will be touched on in episode 3. Stay put.
Carolyn, 30: Journalist from LA. Have to like her on principal for being a journalist. Hate her for having a job when I don’t. She’s 30 though so she’s earned it. Likes post-punk music which I fuck with and looks like she could punch me in the face. I’d thank her after, too. Do you think she has connections because if so, hook me up. Haha jk, unless.
Cassandra, 25: Social worker from Newport Beach, CA. I think her and I would fight a lot, given that she said she “hates when people eat off her plate.” There’s just something about her I don’t trust. She’s going to have to earn my love if she wants a place in my heart.
Chelsea, 28: Runway model from Brooklyn. I gasped and got goosebumps when I saw her. Kind of already want her to make it to hometowns based on the fact she is a goddess. “Jesus! She has a great smile,” says my girlfriend. You guys! I’m OBSESSED!
Corrinne, 22: Marketing manager from Pomfret, Conn. Looks like a villain from a Hallmark movie, the kind who’s your CEO who fires you for spilling milk on the floor. “Once snuck into an abandoned insane asylum,” don’t love the idea of romanticizing the mentally ill! Oh god, she likes Disney World too. I hope she goes home.
Emani, 25: Realtor from Albuquerque, NM. Says out of everyone in the world, she’d want to spend time with herself because she’s “pretty cool,” which, yes queen go off. Likes 90’s R&B which I HIGHLY respect. I’m a 90’s Hip Hop person and seeing as that is adjacent, she’s won my heart. Rooting for Emani!!!
Ileana, 25: Health food developer from NYC, NY. What the fuck is a “healthy food?” Buy a gun.
Jessenia, 27: Social Media marketer from San Antonio, TX. She won me with her thesis: “the total package of brains, beauty, and an infectious personality” but lost me with “loves escape rooms.” I don’t trust anyone who has won an escape room. I get really mad when my friends make me go and refuse to participate. I’m not smart enough for them. Intimidated by her so we’ll see where this goes.
Kaili, 26: Hostess from Chicago, IL. Absolutely shocked I’ve never met this person because they sound like the kind of intense artist I’d be obsessed with. Has dyed her hair every color in the book, tripped at graduation. “She kind of sounds intense,” my girlfriend agrees. Gonna keep an eye out for this one.
Katie, 29: A Bank Marketing Managing from Renton, Washington. I think this girl is fun!!! Once planned a dog flash mob, whatever the fuck that is, loves skinny dipping, wants to have a talk show. I think she’s going to make it to the top three. Cute!
Khaylah, 28: Healthcare advocate from Durnham, NC. This girl seems like someone I’d have a great time at a music festival with because she loves Rihanna, too. She’s also a healthcare advocate and if we had free healthcare, I’d personally thank her for fixing the system because just looking at her, I trust her with my whole life :)
Kimberly, 28: Airline recruiter from Seattle, Washington. If she recruits for Spirit Airlines, she can absolutely suck a fart out my ass. Sounds as if she might provide too much emotional labor to men so I hope she has good boundaries with people. Likes “Moana” and is afraid of a guy who has a foot fetish which? The fact that is listed on ABC.com is absolutely hilarious to me. Okay, she is epic.
Kit, 21: a socialite from NYC, NY. I have found her, my favorite pick of the season. A socialite? Are you fucking kidding me? Chaos. 21 years old? Likely obsessed with Tiktok? Matt is 28. He doesn’t even know what the internet is. If he kisses her, I will #Metoo him online.
Kristen, 27: Attorney from Jersey City, NJ. God, I hope her accent isn’t thick. I could barely survive Amanda from Season 30 of the Real World and now, I suffer with her through the Challenge. I know it’s not her personality, but it’s really hard for me to look past the idea of listening to a New Jersey accent for an entire season. Kind of hope she goes home.
Lauren, 29: A corporate attorney from Miami, FL. Wow. I got butterflies in my stomach when I saw her. She loves 2000’s hip hop which, yes, a defining decade for hip hop to lead up to 2010 but is a “Florida girl through and through” which I don’t love. I can’t find which law she specializes in which is incredibly important for me to form an opinion on her. Verdict is out.
Magi, 32: A pharmacist from Adwa, Ethiopia. VERY good eyebrows. Runs a nonprofit that gives shoes back to girls back in her hometown! A kind soul! Works as a model too so it looks like Chelsea has a run for her money. Uh oh, is wearing a cross necklace. Separation of church and state, baby.
Mari, 24: Marketing director from Odenton, MD. Looks like someone from a Real Housewives show. A former beauty queen who would probably call me pretty in a bar bathroom. Placed top 10 in Miss USA which, okay don’t flex you’ve accomplished more at 24 than I ever will at 105. I think she will have the most romantic date with Matt. We’ll see.
Marylynn, 28: Event coordinator from Studio City, California. I can’t even judge how her name is spelled because mine is Meghann but boy, do I want to. Why the fuck do all these contestants love Disneyland or World? Form a personality outside of Childhood interests. Alright, this bitch loves the environment and wants to start a nonprofit. Maybe I was too mean on her.
Sydney, 28: Marketing specialist from Nashville, Tenn. I think the name Sydney is really hot so I’m rooting for her.
MJ, 23: A hairstylist from Hudson, Ohio. Looks like a verse snowboarder, surfer, and skater so yeah, I fuck with her. Oh my god she likes disco music so I bet I’d see her somewhere at a silent disco. We would absolutely get along. “She’s really pretty,” - my girlfriend.
Piper, 23: A graduate student from Happy Valley, Oregon. She looks like someone in an HR department who would absolutely gaslight me and/or let my male coworkers talk down to me. Wants to own a Rolls Royce someday ok, get that drip. Doesn’t fuck with picnics which screams classism to me. Hope she goes home.
Saneh, 25: An IT consultant from Denver, CO. Definitely worked at Express in high school. Completed her first marathon at 16? Bitch, I sold my first gram at sixteen. We are not the same.
Sarah, 24: Broadcast Journalist from San Diego, CA. Mortal enemy because she is younger than me and employed in my field. Something about her personal ideal being Oprah Winfrey is a red flag to me. I would spend $100 to bet she is a Sports Newscaster. Again, I must like on principal for being a journalist. Again, can she get me a job?
Rachael, 24: A graphic designer from Cumming, GA. LOVE the fact she’s from a place called Cumming, an activity I engage in, often. Shout out to my girlfriend for providing that hobby. She is also from Georgia. This girl kind of looks like she said some racist shit in high school or doesn’t want to have sex until marriage which hey, that one is fine it’s just the first part I’m fixated on. Would ask my girlfriend “how she got so tan”- my girlfriend.
Serena C, 24: A Flight Attendant from San Francisco, CA. Just seems kind of bland which sucks because she is very cute and nonthreatening. Not a fan of birthday celebrations which I empathize with a lot. Maybe she’s insecure everyone hates her too like me. Would love to spend a day crying in her arms.
Serena P, 22: A publicist from Toronto, Canada. Have a weird feeling she’s a little too obsessed with Spongebob quotes? Learning how to change a tire is at the top of her Bucket List which hey, I respect low standards. Would love to have a pet chicken. As someone who is also a mess across the board, I will prematurely diagnose Serena with BPD.
Victoria, 27: A queen from LA. Okay, I thought she was a genuine queen because, why would that be your job title if not. Nope, she just refers to herself as that as she “takes a break from her jetsetter lifestyle.” Gotta appreciate the confidence. Is going to make an EXTREME first impression so I can’t wait to tune in and see it.
Personally, I don’t want Matt to be happy or find love because he is a republican. But here’s my conclusive thoughts:
My biggest wild card pick is Kit or “Queen” Victoria.
The one most likely to win his heart is Katie.
The one who will intimidate him most based on her accomplishments is Alicia.
Most likely to run into at a pride parade is Anna, Carolyn, Chelsea, MJ, Serena P.
Will have the worst time spending a date with Jessenia based on the sole fact she likes escape rooms.
The one who will make him laugh most is Kimberly.
One who will make him go “awe” is Magi.
One who will DEFINITELY bring up her ex is Saneh.
Will fall asleep talking to Serena.
Sidenote: Feeling a lot of these girls won’t get along with Matt because they seem extremely liberal. Hope there’s a lot of fights this season.
As always wonderful. I want in on that bracket. I hope this season is crazy
I am howling! To my shame (?), I’ve never watched a single season of the show. But your summary has me interested. At the very least, I definitely want your recaps. Autocorrect almost made that “teacaps,” which I stand behind. Great writing!