Wow, it’s that time, again. Another Monday and with it, another two hour viewing session of pure Pain. We met five new girls this past week and the OG crew took every opportunity to shred their confidence to bits. Since my newsletter has specifically been whittled down into Bachelor recaps, much to the dismay of a certain straight male friend who asked me to “please, write anything else,” we begin another Lesbian Tell All Tell All on what happened last week to get you ready for tonight.
Matt going in for a smooch-a-roonie with Pieper, a girl who looks like she’s in HR
M: We start this week off following a heartbroken Matt who is devastated because Sarah left. In fact, a lot of the first few minutes is just the girls consoling him about it RIGHT before their group date with him which is honestly? Hysterical.
A: That’s so awkward. But what else can you do? “I’m sensing a lot of tension between us ;) oh you’re upset. Ok, I’ll wait.”
M: Can you imagine if one of the first dates I ever went on with you happened AFTER consoling me about a breakup? What would you do
A: That’s just a normal lesbian date on a Tuesday tbh but I’m glad we didn’t do that
M: The group date mostly consists of the girls asking Matt how he’s doing because he’s obviously had his little Ego hurt a bit. He needs to be reminded the girls are here for him and he will, in turn, say the same exact phrase to them about how “what they have is special.”
A: I love Matt and the big Random Word Generator in his head
M: Pieper is stand out cute on this date. I still don’t like her because she looks like she works in HR.
A: Meg has had a couple of run-ins at HR but honestly what hot person hasn’t?
M: Someone’s in a mood today.
A: You literally got mad at me for forgetting the strap at my place yesterday.
M: ANYWAYS, Chelsea gets the group date rose because she has an incredible genuine conversation with Matt about black identity being tied to hair and how she shaved her head to establish her own narrative.
A: Matt replies, “yeah I remember meeting you that first night you had on the bam-bam dress.”
M: Our suitor is so eloquent.
A: Meanwhile back at the house, Victoria is starting beef with Katie because she’s intimidated by the fact she’s emotionally intelligent.
M: I’m really happy Katie didn’t fold. She was like “no Victoria, you can’t be mean to these girls.”
A: But of course, Victoria doesn’t follow through with her bullying because Katie is white. Ah, reminds me of high school in Georgia.
M: Victoria did Marylynn really dirty.
A: The only worthwhile part of this episode is that five new girls are introduced.
M: I think they realized how well that worked with Tayshia so they did it again which they really didn’t need to do. I feel like there’s enough drama in the house to last us a lifetime.
A: It begs the question: will there be a repeat of the Bennett/Noah situation? The only moderately trashy thing to happen last season?
M: Bennett :/
A: Stop.
M: Oh come on I stopped finding him hot towards the end.
A: He’s a sociopath.
M: He has MONEY.
A: Seek help.
M: Where were we? Oh yes, the Rose Ceremony is interrupted by the five new girls introduced into the house.
A: Brittney comes in hot and full on makes out with Matt. I’m talking open mouth. I’m saying tongue down throat. I’m speaking that full on language where you suck the other person’s soul out, gurgle it for a bit, and then spit it back into their mouth like a sexy lil’ snake.
M: This is triggering.
A: Meg, I’m not a dementor. We can cuddle facing each other and you won’t die.
M: My chief intrusive thought is you sucking all the oxygen out of my body.
A: Next to stroll out of the cars is Michelle, who Meg thinks looks like Michelle Obama
M: I think it’s the face shape for me. Or the regalness.
A: I think they both have hair split down the middle and similar hair style. Miss Puerto Rico Universe Catalina strolls in, and the POC NEAR YOU READY TO BULLY alarm bells in Victoria’s head go off. She immediately steals a crown from her and it’s really awkward. I can’t imagine her doing that to Miss New Hampsire, or whatever.
M: She literally takes the crown off her head which upset me so much. She probably won that crown from the pageant! Does Victoria have no respect?
A: She can’t, Victoria carries the lethal combination of hating women and POC.
M: She also slut shames Brittany for making out with Matt by calling her a whore. Is this 2010?
A: Which Anna capitalizes on by calling Brittany an escort based off one innocuous DM she got on Instagram.
M: Good on ABC for stigmatizing sex work even more. As if it’s not incredibly dangerous to air this rumor on national television with her name and hometown, they go ahead and let Anna bully her until she breaks down in tears.
A: I can see the producers stroking their chin, looking at the Bachelor line-up like “Which brown girl are we going to bully? So many options :( thinking hard”
M: There’s way too many thoughts on this for me and I just hope Bitch Media takes my pitch about it because I am still fuming.
A: The next day is a group date where all the women dress up like squirrels, the least sexy thing I could possibly imagine.
M: That’s not what you said last night.
A: Meg-
M: They have to canoe around in giant pumpkins in the river and Magi gets stuck. A clip plays at the end of the episode showing her floating around at dark, begging the question, how long was she in there?
A: Mari wins the obstacle course and is given a golden trophy of Nuts. Matt blushed as she held the trophy, feeling the hand of an angel slap him as he felt sexual attraction for the first time.
M: At the post-group-date-get-together, Anna is upset because Brittany sheepishly interupts her time with Matt to try and talk to him.
A: She counters this by starting an insane rumor that Brittany has sex with men for money.
M: An incredibly level headed response, in my opinion.
A: She cozies up to Queen V on a couch and airs her teeth out like she left on a Crest Whitening Strip for too long.
M: After consulting Trump Supporter Victoria Anna decides the next logical step is to air out this half baked rumor to everyone on the group date.
A: Not only that, she has the BALLS to ask Brittany to apologize and come clean if this is true.
M: Honestly I’d [CENSORED FROM THE FBI] Victoria and Anna if given the chance.
A: We live in an anti-sex worker society where sex-workers get murdered and no one gives a shit. We have a show that live streams to probably around 4 million people-
M: Again, broad assumptions. Ana and I know nothing about the Bachelor-
A: About how sex workers should be demonized and censored by the government because politicians love taking pay from people who need it most.
M: Bri gets the group date rose.
A: Incredible transition.
M: There’s so much discourse surrounding the subject to talk about that I hardly think this newsletter is ready for.
A: The next day, Michelle goes on a one-on-one with Matt and a lot of people are PISSED.
M: For context,
A: Something we hate giving,
M: Michelle is one of the new girls and already, she’s zip lining and talking about how many kids she wants on a romantic getaway with Matt. Whereas, a lot of these girls have been here for like, a month and haven’t had a one-on-one yet.
A: We learn a lot about Michelle this date and how she’s a middle school teacher which is great practice for dealing with the girls on this show.
M: They end the night with a dinner and surprisingly, no hot tub make out after.
A: A first for everything.
M: And we learn nothing about Matt who refuses to comment on lived experiences he shares with people on this show.
A: Michelle brings up addressing the George Floyd murder as a teacher with her kids and Matt just says, once again, “I can’t imagine what that’s like going through.”
M: The Bachelor this season is REALLY like “let me balance a learning lesson on BLM with Victoria relentlessly bullying POC.”
A: It’s a heavy handed mess.
M: Luckily, Katie plays therapist the next day and reassures Brittany that the girls in the house are super mean.
A: Not only this, but she goes up to Matt later in the episode to tell him “hey, people are starting rumors in this house that could ruin a girls life so you really need to shut it down.”
M: Excited to see if Matt has the courage to stand up to them in this upcoming episode.
A: Probably not because, as we see in this episode, the next group date is one where all the women train for ten minutes in the woods before knocking each other out in a boxing ring. If he wasn’t scared of them before, he’s definitely scared of them now.
M: Serena P gets knocked out and only then is when they call an end to the date.
A: Did they announce who got the group date rose?
M: No I think it just switched scenes to Anna and Victoria laughing about Brittany and Katie confronting Matt.
A: I think the producers pulled Anna aside and said “Hey Matt literally isn’t attracted to you, can you just be another villain with Victoria? Please?” Important to note Katie did try to talk to the house about being compassionate to the new women and no one was buying it.
M: So I guess we’ll learn tonight if the bullying actually does subside!