M: Oh my god it’s the WOMEN TELL ALL TONIGHT!!!! More importantly? I got a new Nintendo Switch and I need friends. Do you have Animal Crossing and want to see the Kiwi dress I just bought? May a poor wench come shaketh fruit off your trees?
A: What does that mea-
M: If the answer to both is a hard “yes” or a lukewarm “sure.” my friend code is:
SW-0177-7074-5038
Okay, it’s another recap of last week’s episode to which my friends keep saying “Meggie, please, write about anything but the Bachelor.” Um, no? My girlfriend and I look forward to recapping it every week, you fools. You will never destroy us.
It’s Hometown Week and some wild shit goes down. Mostly, Matt James openly admits who he will be choosing at the end and skirts the other parents on his feelings about their daughters. Let’s get into it.
Matt and a candidate he feels nothing for.
M: So, as you all know, we are experts on the Bachelor. This week is Hometowns Week which means the episode will be broken down by the same formula. Matt goes on a one-on-one with each woman then meets their families or, in Bri’s case, her chosen family. A very sweet concept that comes with age! Family really is just who you choose to have in your life.
A: Queer people know a lot about this. Family really is just who you meet off of Tinder and decide to be friends with.
M: The first person up is Michelle, the very beautiful, adorable teacher whose kids absolutely grill Matt on how he’s dating three other people at once.
A: Michelle was like “Here are some of my (most well behaved and vetted) students”! Matt let out loud laughs that didn’t reach his eyes during their questions like “Have you kissed yet” and “How many girlfriends do you have?”
M: These kids are getting an idea of polyamory early on. I love this ponzi scheme.
A: “Hey girly! Have you tried polyamory yet?”
M: At the end she asks the kids to give two thumbs up if they like Matt and they all do. I don’t trust any of them.
A: The producers re-recorded that part over and over until they all gave two thumbs up.
M: Matt and Michelle bike for a bit before meeting up with her mom and dad, the sweetest little people who have ever existed.
A: I would die for her dad. I trust him with my life.
M: We finally learn Matt grows gardens for inner city kids which I think is the most insight we’ve had into his life.
A: Besides his Instagram, where he refers to himself as “Huckleberry James” in three posts. Which is… for what...
M: They play basketball after and Twitter lights the fuck up over how they want to be adopted by them.
A: “Tuesday light me UP”
M: Next up is Rachael and ladies and gentlemen, she eats SHIT this episode.
A: Their date is driving really fast while Matt is blindfolded and then jumping out of a plane.
M: So far, all we know about Rachael is that she loves plantation balls and danger.
A: Hey! We can’t judge her by 2021 standards! Maybe now she graduated to just designing plantation homes instead of attending parties in them.
M: She jumps out of the sky and hits the ground hard. We’re talking branches in her hair and a swollen face.
A: She slammed into the ground so hard it actually scared me. I thought she would break a hip. I actually have no idea how she didn’t have a limp or need to go to the hospital. Anyway, after hair and makeup....
M: - Rachael says that was when she knew she wanted Matt as a husband because she loved how he responded in this moment.
A: Guys, he did not emote. He literally just went over and asked if she was okay.
M: God I love when my partner meets the bare minimum of human empathy.
A: Let’s not fight today babe. Later on they meet up with her mom, dad, and sister Trinity where we learn that oh yeah okay, Rachael is going to win.
M: She is the ONLY one he admits to saying he’s fallen in love with.
A: But the dad is fully aware this guy is a dud. My guy barely makes eye contact with any of them or barely talks. I want to die
M: Side note, Ana found Rachael’s sisters instagram and showed me how cute her prom dress is. She went down a really deep hole and there was no saving her from it.
A: We have mutual followers from Georgia. And her boyfriend goes to UGA, isn’t that crazy?
M: Her dad grills him and wow, I hate her dad. His eyebrows are too pointy.
A: He kind of reminded me of my dad LOL Hispanic and Angry. I think he is Hispanic, this guy.
M: Our beautiful girl Bri is the next up in hometowns and guys, we are REALLY hoping she’s the next Bachelorette.
A: We were nervous this entire episode she was going to be the one sent home.
M: But she wasn’t! Because this mf-ing episode ended on a cliffhanger!
A: We’ll get to that.
M: A lot to digest, there.
A: Bri and Matt go off roading for their date and we fall more in love with this Home Depot lesbian.
M: I drove off road in a Jeep in high school, would you have loved me then?
A: We would have dated in secret for a year and then never talk to each other again.
M: God, I love being in the closet <3
A: Bri’s best friend, also named Bri, is here. Her mom and baby sister are here, too.
M: No seriously, it’s a baby. Go off mom. Also, her mom is only like 18 years older and looks great. I honestly couldn’t tell who was the mom or if she came at all.
A: Matt is offput to see a baby who doesn’t meet his height requirements of 4’8-5’1 so he chooses not to hit on her..
M: Do you get it? Do you get the joke? Matt has a dad complex.
A: And then, in the most DEVASTATING, memed-many-times-moment of this episode, Matt responds to Bri saying “I’m falling in love with you” with “Thank you for sharing that.”
M: I can’t imagine introducing someone to my parents, saying “I love you,” and then hearing “thank you for sharing that.”
A: Good thing I said I love you before meeting your parents? :)
M: Barely.
A: Still counts.
M: Finally, last but certainly not least, it’s Serena P’s turn for a one on one date.
A: She was a breath of energy and fresh air.
M: I must say I really liked this date idea. Serena P is from Canada and she lined up a ton of Canadian cuisine she liked (Poutine) that looked really yummy (was relentlessly bullied for on Twitter because this Poutine looked nasty).
A: What if she got a VR set and was like okay let’s walk around Google Maps. No wait, what if it was an empty room and in the middle was a laptop and they just explored Toronto on Google Maps.
M: Matt licks his lips about a million times as Serena quizzes him on Canadian history.
A: “These are the indigenous groups we destroyed, these are the groups who are still existing, this is how we infringe on their rights on a daily basis, to this day-”
M: They play hockey, Matt in the tiniest skinny jeans I’ve ever seen, and Serena mercilessly kicks his ass. I love her.
A: Her: I loved that :) I feel like we bonded
M: Serena’s mom asks what he likes about her and he gives generic answers, as always.
A: She also asks Serena “what do you like about him?” and she says “he checks all the boxes on paper.”
M: Yikes!
A: But HERE’s the fun part, HERE’s the twist. She BREAKS UP WITH HIM AFTER THIS!!!
M: Probably because he lost to her in hockey.
A: We all know Matt could never handle his masculinity being challenged.
M: Yeah, we fucking loved this. Matt sits down with Chris Harrison after all the dates and says he has reservations with Serena.
A: Serena sits him down and refuses to make eye contact by telling him he’s not the one.
M: And fellas? He handles this in the worst way possible.
A: Has he ever been broken up with before? He seems like a man on the brink of losing control at the slightest bit of rejection. And this was the most emotion I’ve ever seen him show.
M: It’s true! He cries!
A: He was quiet for so long. The editors were like ...when do we play the music?
M: Okay, Ana and I have discussed this. You know those guys who are “nice guys but kind of reserved” in a way that’s completely off putting? Matt gives off a strong “I’m not myself and it’s because I say offensive things all the time and can’t own up to it” kind of vibes.
A: “That stinks” he says, when one of his top choices dumps him. “This is really stinky. This smells like poopoo.”
M: “I’m just not there and I don’t know why,” honey, it’s because he has the personality of a broom.
A: A hot broom. To clarify: we are watching this in real time and making mad jokes on it.
M: Matt shows up to the rose ceremony in shambles because one of the 5’2 girls he picked doesn’t want to fuck him.
A: We can both agree he’s just keeping them around because he wants to have sex with them, right? How does he like them this much smaller than him?
M: Oh yeah, he’s already picked Rachael in his head.
A: Absolutely.
M: He’s nervous about all the women coming to the realization he is not worth the effort.
A: He gives out all three of the roses because lmfao, he has to. He chews on them and then they each open their mouths and he spits into them.
M: And that’s that!!!!! Tune in next week when we recap the groundbreaking WOMEN TELL ALL EPISODE !!!!