Bachelor Recap: The Lesbians Tell All Volume 8
On the eve of the finale, we reminisce on a SPICY season
SAD REACTS ONLY
Join me in silence as we reflect on this past season of the Bachelor. We’ve seen dildo’s, breakdowns, antebellum's, bullying, daddy issues, unresolved trauma, and raunchy sex stories. We’ve held hands through Sarah’s departure, Queen Victoria’s nasty pro-trump instagram, and Rachael’s racial reckoning with a well-placed anti-racism book in the background of a social media post. Now, with only one review left to go next week, we will be discussing the episode prior to the season finale.
Also, can we PLEASE celebrate the fact Tayshia is hosting next season?
A: I dreamed she was my gynecologist and we just hung out. Nothing was wrong with me I just wanted to talk to her. I like her a lot, I’m stoked for her to host the Bachelor.
M: Amen. Before we start, we should probably give a brief overview on the Women Tell All. Basically, Queen Victoria victimized herself and Chris Harrison called out Matt on open eyed kissing. I genuinely can’t think of what else happened.
A: I have to call out the part where QV told one of the women that she was having an “attitude” and snapped her fingers. She had called this girl, who is a dancer, a hoe in previous episodes. God I hate her. QV said to her “Do you think you’re just sensitive” when the dancer confronted her.
M: Since Women Tell All sort of exists outside the Bachelor franchise-
A: And we were tired-
M: We figured we’d pick up after a week's delay to fully prepare ourselves for the DRAMATIC. FINALE.
A: What an exciting time to be alive. Especially because last week was FANTASY SUITES.
M: Wow. They all probably slept with Matt. Ana? Thoughts?
A: Definitely. And at the end after he finishes, he says “Thank you for sharing with me.” And the women do mental gymnastics to somehow feel special from that.
M: Anyways, Matt starts the episode out with therapy for him and free therapy for the audience.
A: It was the first time I saw Matt show genuine emotion and it was because the producers were like “What if we put you in an incredibly awkward and private situation on live TV?”
M: His dad shows up and flips the lid on his son by justifying cheating on his mom and saying “you’re not perfect either.”
A: That was fast. He showed how shitty he was in record time - the sound barrier was broken.
M: When his dad says “I sent pizza every year” Matt says “I didn’t need pizza or shoes I needed a dad” which broke my heart.
A: Jesus. The fact that Matt had to go through that conversation with his dad AND THEN recap it in the confessionals again… Siri what’s the word for “opposite of therapy”?
M: This feels like a private conversation we are watching ABC exploit for views and it really sucks for a lot of reasons. There’s already such a gross idea people have about absent black fathers in families in America and this show televising that for ratings only feeds into the stigma.
A: I don’t think they’ve made other Bachelors do something like this. The producers were pretty hard set on “addressing” Matt’s past. Who doesn’t have daddy issues? Don’t answer that Meggie.
M: There’s a lot to be said here that someone else is much more equipped for so I’ll let professionals comment on that. Michelle is up first for fantasy suites.
A: I’ll just say that people can grow up “fatherless” regardless of if their dad lives with them or not. I don’t know if this really needed to be addressed so publicly, even if Matt agreed to this. He even tweeted that there is a lot of nuance to having conversations about absent fathers in the community and hinted that the Bachelor franchise was not the best equipped.
M: And now he has to fuck three women after reliving all that trauma. Let’s go.
A: Feels like college!
M: Michelle and Mat have a “Dutch California Spa Day” for her fantasy date, whatever the fuck that means.
A: They smush some oatmeal with their foot in this cottagecore/horror movie looking room.
M: They rub butter on each other which reminds me a lot of the Iowa State Fair.
A: The funnest part about the milk bath is how Meggie pronounces milk.
M: Melk?
A: Yeah like that.
M: Maaaaaaalk.
A: Midwesterner.
M: Michelle sources her parent’s very perfect, very loving relationship as an example of how she would love Matt and it is very sweet. Thank you for sharing that.
A: She did say something really sweet. She said to him “Even though I grew up with parents that were in love, I think you bring just as much to the table as me with your example of love”.
M: Matt doesn’t respond with any insight on his love style but instead starts 1 of 3 monologues he will later repeat to each woman about how his relationship with his dad is cured now, actually.
A: That’s just dating, to be honest.
M: They head to the fantasy suite and it’s fucking time, baby!
A: Matt has been visibly so horny this whole season. Legend goes that he snuck into Katie’s room and permanently stuck the vibrator up his butt just to feel something.
M: Michelle comes back to the house all loved up about her soy bath soiree. Rachael’s crying because Matt spun Michelle around like a fucking carousel on his dick last night. Bri’s up next for a date.
A: Michelle comes back and tells an all too accurate story of how they rubbed butter on each other. Girl… read the room…
M: Bri and Matt’s date is, hilariously, outside. They pitch a tent. That’s it.
A: This compounded by the fact Bri has said multiple times how much she “hates the outdoors” and how often their dates take place “outdoors” is a masterclass in dating. God, Matt hates her.
M: Matt beckons for Bri to come inside the tent and Bri is hesitant about it, rightfully wondering “uhh.. Is this the fantasy suite we’re sleeping in tonight?”
A: I literally thought it was going to be.
M: They head to dinner and here’s the thing, we both know he’s not going to pick Bri, right? But I genuinely believe he has the MOST to relate to her in regard to mutual parent trauma.
A: I agree! She was also brought up by a single mom.
M: She offers Matt too much emotional support and he’s like ummmm vibe check! Weird?
A: They’re off to the fantasy suite and I hope Matt charged his juice because oh baby, you know what time it is…
A/M: FUCKING TIME!!!
M: Wait hold up. I’ve been dying to talk about this all week. Can we discuss how small that bed is? Bri could fit perfectly in that bed but Matt?
A: I kind of imagine it looking like this.
Matt James and Bri, pictured above.
M: We never really get confirmation on whether or not he fits in the bed because the next cut is him and Bri laying against the headboard the next morning.
A: Poor girl, she’s pouring her heart out to him and he’s just smiling back at her with that vacant look on his face.
M: Bri reads the room a bit better when she comes back than Michelle does. She doesn’t say anything about the video clip of her waking up in bed with Matt shirtless to Rachael.
A: She just quietly walks by Rachael later and whispers “He likes his balls squeezed, FYI”. Bri is so sweet.
M: Rachael’s last and she literally has a mental breakdown because of it.
A: Where did her confidence go? I feel like she knew she had it in the bag from the jump. One fall from 20,000 feet and being constantly high from pain meds probably messed with her head a little bit. I don’t blame her. I had one 3 minute presentation today at work and broke down.
M: That’s not fair, your work sucks. Rachael creates problems for herself while you exist in the corporate hell world America has monetized for quick cash.
A: Ugh yes daddy corporate america, use me
M: Bri has the most to worry about, which she clearly lays out at the beginning of her and Matt’s date in response to her getting the last rose, but Rachael is fucking LOSING it. I mean, she goes behind the wall to cry before leaving for her date.
A: They head to a sexy pottery class a la’ Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore in Ghost. Matt checks in every now and then to see if she’s enjoying herself and she is giving him nothing to work with.
M: She pulls him aside to talk to him, thank God.
A: Girl!! You know he’s going to pick you!
M: Luckily, Matt reassures her the parachute almost death moment was when he knew she was the one.
A: I can relate to that.
M: Yeah, I choked on steak last Thursday and Ana immediately proposed after. Surprise!
A: I’m also pregnant so this works out.
M: They head off to the evening portion and it’s time for the final installment in the Dad and I Fixed Our Relationship Monologue.
A: Rachael concentrates really hard past the fog of her pain medication from her spine almost getting thrown out of her back and essentially says “Oh :( that sucks”. I can’t believe Matt is going to pick her.
M: Their “it’s fucking time moment” is quite honestly the most obvious and the HOTTEST.
A: They’re getting paint shit everywhere and he carries her off. It’s HER turn to take a ride on his carousel :’)
M: Rose ceremony time! Oh gee, I wonder who he’ll give the rose to first!
A: I was surprised it was Michelle to be honest! Then Rachael and Bri were left and that was obvious and easy to everyone. I really felt for Bri because she QUIT HER JOB FOR THIS MAN.
M: And that leaves us with the finale, ladies and gentlemen. Who will take Matt home? Will it be Rachael? Or will it be Rachael? Find out next week (tonight) but also last week because by then, Bachelor Nation will be RIPE with drama following the proposal.