Bachelor Recap: The Lesbians Tell All Volume 6
Woohoo! Time to talk about the HUGE Bachelor DRAMA
Happy Monday! Is it the last Monday of February? Fuck, is it? Haha, that sucks. Everything hurts and I’m dying.
Do you like how my newsletter now only consists of Bachelor reviews? Do you? Did you ever think me, a lesbian trans, would be reduced to simply reviewing the Bachelor because I can’t maintain consistency to write other things outside of trash television? I didn’t! “Oh my god, stop,” says Ana. “It’s good practice.”
If any entertainment writer job I just applied to is looking at this intro, I promise. I write other things consistently too (bold claim, Meg).
With THAT rant out of the way, let’s dive in.
M: I’m actually really excited to review this week’s episode because, although I was not really paying attention, a LOT happened and, more importantly, Ana and I had new people watching the episode with us.
A: Our friends Laura and Sierra sat in and were less than enthused by Matt’s sheer lack of personality.
M: Agreed but, before we begin, we should probably address ALL of the drama happening in Bachelor nation right now, starting with Rachel.
A: *Face palm* Come on producers, really? Do they sit around in a room and think “God damn it this material from Matt is so dry. Every girl’s vagina in this room is dry. Let’s bring in another girl I guess?” Heather (never been kissed, seriously) had to isolate for 2 weeks before this, so they knew WAY back. What?
Matt’s apology, seen above.
M: We haven’t seen the show prior to the last two seasons, so if you need a summary of the history outside of just Rachel, Chris Harrison, and Matt’s apology, here’s what Ali Barthwell wrote in Vulture:
The Bachelor is a racist television program. Off the top of my head, here’s a bunch of racist stuff that’s happened in the Bachelor Cinematic Universe: the casting of racist contestants; the casting of racist contestants on seasons with leads of color; going 24 seasons before having a Black man as the Bachelor;going 12 seasons before having a Black woman as the Bachelorette; casting entire seasons of both shows without contestants of color; casting token contestants of color; pitting contestants of color against racist contestants and encouraging drama between them; sending a racist on a two-on-one date with a Black man in the fucking woods; letting white contestants use racist language to describe contestants of color they didn’t like; painting the racist actions of racist contestants as “personality conflicts”; the host of the show saying things like “woke police” on television where people could see him; not protecting or standing behind contestants or leads of color when they were being targeted for racist harassment online; painting the life experiences of contestants of color as exotic, calamitous, or ungraspable; relying on stereotypes about people of color as part of their storytelling.
M: She also addresses in the article something Ana and I have agreed on: Racheal will probably win.
A: Matt literally eye fucks her any chance he gets.
M: He’s been waiting since day one for the one-on-one getaways. For now I guess, we’ll just have to wait and see.
A: *Sigh* should we get into the episode recap, then?
M: We shall. So, last week, the show picks up where it left off: introducing Heather into the mix two weeks before hometowns.
A: *Face palm* Come on producers, really? Do they sit around in a room and think “God damn it this material from Matt is so dry. Every girl’s vagina in this room is dry. Let’s bring in another girl I guess?” Heather (never been kissed, seriously) had to isolate for 2 weeks before this, so they knew WAY back. What?
M: Matt is sort of torn on the introduction of another blonde into this group because he’s already projected an entire personality onto Kit without ever getting to know her.
A: Kit needs to take her finals before settling down with Matt James.
M: We really don’t get the purpose of Heather. She’s from Colton’s season and Colton is with Hannah B? Wait, no. Heather is definitely Hannah B’s friend because Matt James says “I trust Hannah’s decisions, maybe I should give Heather a chance.” Maybe Hannah Brown had her own season.
A: Yeah she did, the people loved her because she was sassy and spoke her opinion, a feature only appreciated in white women.
M: Yep, hence the Bachelor’s problematic past. Anyway, Heather doesn’t stand a chance. We see her bullied for about ten minutes of screen time (honestly go off Jessenia) after quarantining for two weeks before she goes home. I mean, Matt can’t make a connection with her this far into the show.
A: Correction: he can’t make a connection with anyone.
M: How long is time in this universe?
A: I’m going to answer that like how Matt would. “Thank you for asking me that, I appreciate your honesty and your truth. I have no idea, I have only been hot my whole life and other uglier people do the thinking for me.”
M: It’s the rose ceremony and ugh, Chelsea goes home!!!!!
A: This one actually hurt, I think she was genuinely surprised. Matt is keeping only mixed and white people on this show I guess.
M: What the fuck!!!!!
A: Jessenia stays.
M: I was confused by his decision to keep her, since I’ve only seen them interact in the wake of the MJ drama, but good for her. I mean, she’s no Chelsea. But good for her.
A: I think she’s so great. The next day, a hush overtakes the house as everyone waits to figure out who will have one-on-one dates this episode. Shockingly, Serena P. gets another one.
M: Okay, can we talk about this? We both thought she was going to get sent home because there’s no way she’s going to get another one on one before Jessenia and Abigail haven’t even had one.
A: He lumps poor, sweet Abigail into the group date and at that point, we should have known she was toast.
M: But no! For some fucking reason, we still have hope Matt James might be a good person!
A: Um, speak for yourself.
M: Okay, whatever. So, anyways: Serena P is on her second date with Matt and BOY, it’s awkward.
A: Matt decides for their date to take them to a tantric sex yoga class.
M: Yes, we tuned out a bit for this one because it was so uncomfortable.
A: At one point, Serena goes to kiss him, pulls away, then Matt goes to kiss her, and it’s just a weird game of cat chase mouse.
M: Im reading a Refinery 29 piece right now that says in his confessional, he felt like him and Serena were “in the friend zone” which is why he took her on the one on one.
A: Wow! That is really weird? “So I’m going to put her peepee close to my peepee”.
M: Serena says afterwards that she hated the date and it made her uncomfortable. Matt does that dead eye thing where he’s “listening” and is like see I like that about you, you speak your mind.
A: “I love that you hate me, Serena P.”
M: Surprisingly, Serena gets a rose. We really thought she was gonna go home on this one, huh?
A: All signs point to “why does she even want to be here?”
M: I’m 100% convinced she’s a lesbian.
A: Interesting. Expand.
M: She looks like she plays basketball.
A: I think she’s like 5’3’’. But she’d be a quick footed point guard. Serena says she is “surprised she wants him to meet her family this fast,” another telltale sign she probably doesn’t want to fuck him. She’s also like 5-6 years younger than him. I really think she’s going home this week.
M: Alas, we arrive to the group date andAbigail doesn’t stand a chance.
A: Bri tells Matt she “left her job as a communications manager to stay on the show” and we’re like “oh shit, it’s over for u hoes.”
M: It’s official. Bri’s going to hometowns.
A: Meanwhile Matt says one of the meanest thing to Abigail I’m pretty sure an ex once said to me.
M: He says he was “so comfortable in their relationship that he explored other relationships.” He sends her home where she reveals she’s always the person who makes men realize what they want next which, home girl. I empathize. Mostly because I’m gay and hated dating men so didn’t care now that all my exes are engaged, but I empathize.
A: Same. My ex and Matt literally said “Babe, there are mains and there are sides. You were my main but I explored the sides and liked those better”.
A: Racheal moves onto hometowns too because she’s hot and smiles at everything Matt says.
M: Then, in the best move we have seen all season, Kit reveals she doesn’t want kids or marriage yet because she’s young and wants to finish school and slowly has a breakdown that fuck, maybe she should be independent instead of being on a show that ends in marriage???????
A: She was like oh FUCK this guy might pick me. This guy who essentially wants to be my daddy might want to make me a mommy.
M: The group date rose goes to fucking Rachael who, let’s all face it!!! Is going to win this season!!!!
A: Yikes lol this is so ironic.
M: Jessenia goes on the group date which, oh shit??? I forget she existed, again lol.
A: I love her. She went on a car ride date with Matt where we realized Matt has a baby/daddy fetish.
M: She jumps up on the hood for a kiss like baby does and we realize oh my God every woman on this show is 5’3?????? 4’9??? Basically, Ana’s height?????
A: I am very nicely proportioned and LOOK like I can put up a fight.
M: Ha, K. So, anyways Jessenia and Matt get dinner together and she doesn’t get a rose because she’s too tall for him.
A: Remember when you lied to me about your height on Hinge to make yourself seem taller?
M: Haha, no. I am 5’8.
A: Haha, K. So, anyways. We breeze through another Rose Ceremony and both agree. Pieper is going home. Which Meggie is so upset about-
M: Yes. Sadly, our HR Manager Pieper will be punching out for the evening.
A: Looks like we got Bri, Michelle, Rachael, and Serena P going to hometowns.
M: Exciting stuff.
A: Kind of sad about Rachael being exposed - I was excited to see people from where I grew up but I think her screen-time was probably reduced on this episode.
M: Welp, five minutes until the next episode! We’ll see what happens!