Happy Belated Bachelor Birthday (Day)! Confused by that? Good! I’m trying to not be as straightforward as possible from now on because everyone should be on their toes around me!!!!!
In summary: if you don’t follow me online, a big mistake, then you will not know I took last Monday off to drink because the day after was my birthday. Omg! Almost 30! Can’t wait to turn to dust at the turn of the century!!!! (2022)
A: Can’t wait to bring you back to life like a fuckin’ pheonix.
So, prior to last week’s episode, we were left with all the mean girls leaving minus MJ. Finally, mean girls Anna and Queen V go bye bye and we clean the slate for what’s to come. Jessenia reminds Matt at the end of episode five he still has some trash to take out and at the beginning of episode six, he does.
Bye bye, MJ.
Since Ana missed the first hour of last week’s episode, I’ll be the one catching everyone up on the drama. In fact, Ana will just serve to be a small voice on this letter gassing me up periodically throughout.
A: Work kicked my ass last week but I’m BACK BITCHES, like Britney. Did you guys watch her documentary? #FreeBritney
Okay, it will be me. I will be writing for Ana this week, too.
M: Episode six starts off with the booting of MJ and the short lived glory of a clean, drama free house. We can’t revel in the good news too soon, because here comes Serena C ready to start drama with Katie over…. Uh…. *spins wheel* letting Matt know that the living environment was unhealthy for a lot of people.
A: You’re doing great babe you’re so strong and sexy I love you so much.
M: I know you do.
A: Okay.
M: It’s rose ceremony time! Sweet, caring, noble Magi goes home which is heartbreaking because the woman has a heart of gold and barely any air time. Ryan goes home as well, crying a lot as she leaves followed by a girl in a yellow dress I literally don’t think I’ve seen this entire season.
A: I don’t remember her because I wasn’t there to see her leave….. but I’d love to watch her stay. :’)
M: ………
A: Babe I’m sorry. The only person I ever want to see jiggle their ass when they walk away is you.
M: Whatever.
A: Are you creating drama with yourself in this newsletter that you’re going to fight me on later?
M: ….. Maybe ;)
M: Anyways, it’s one on one date card time and all the girls are stressed because they haven’t seen Matt in twenty four hours. Pieper gets to go on the first date because it’s been laid out this entire time she probably was going to. Her and Matt have an incredible date going to a pop up amusement park? Her trauma to Matt is that she wasn’t given words of affirmation growing up which, like, wasn’t everyone?
A: I’ll reaffirm you right now. You’re perfect, noble, charismatic, charming, courageous, brave-
M: Pieper comes back high off that pipe because she had a great date with Matt and has secured the rose after it. The next day, the girls are split up into a group date to go bowling with Matt because what’s sexier than sticking your fingers you’ve chewed on all day in a grimy ball. Michelle gets the group date card despite Matt gassing up Chelsea the whole time.
A: sexy, beautiful, menacing, but in a really endearing way menacing, terrifying, amazing-
M: Meanwhile Heather, a girl nobody has ever heard of, shows up to the gate and demands Chris Harrison let her in. Famously, from what you’ve probably seen in the trailers, Chris Harrison says “Heather! You could fuck this up for everyone!”
A: you could fuck me up for everyone if you wanted to, babe.
M: Oh, okay she just popped on the screen. Apparently, she was on Colton’s season and thinks Matt could be her husband. She literally just said that while I was rewatching it. Also, a friend of mine who religiously watches this show says she’s friends with Hannah B. She also doesn’t understand why she’s on this season. Can someone explain Heather to me?
M: Finally, Katie gets the one on one card and it is seriously the dumbest thing ever. Matt’s friend Tyler from a different season of the Bachelor is here and his date with Katie is telling Tyler’s masseuse to say weird shit to him during the massage. I literally will not waste time on how stupid this is because Matt ends up sending Katie home, the ONLY emotionally intelligent person on this show, but it is fine because she-
A: is going to be the Bachelorette next season.
M: Yes. Ana broke the news to me so she will break the news here.
A: I love you babe thank you for letting me be on your newsletter every week.
M: Thank you for letting me be in your LIFE every week.
A: Oh wow I wasn’t expecting that.
M: It’s because I wrote this slam dunk set up for myself.
Well, I made this newsletter a short sweet catch up because I have a $15 steak I’m about to make and it’s not fun when Ana can’t genuinely be here :)
Happy belated to me!!!!!!!!! 27!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get those white lighters away from me!
A: Happy belated birthday babe!!!! This is real Ana now. We are super excited for today’s episode - which white girl will bully another woc this episode? Will Matt be a relatable human person who isn’t using the same 3 phrases? Will he reach 30 lip bites this episode? Am I high writing this? Yes yes yes, and yes.