Wow. I so desperately want to say *southern voice* wooo-ee! But then Ana will call out the fact I’m adopting a southern accent from her and I’ll legally have to kill her. So for now, I refrain from wooo-ee.
Last week’s episode was HOT ya’ll HOLY shit. I’ll preface it with this: both Ana and I’s Bachelor bracket score absolutely tanked. I’m talking “there’s no coming back from this shit storm tank.” Is there always this much drama in the Bachelor? Why the fuck haven’t we conformed to cisgender heteronormative ideas beforehand? Ana, should we be straight from now on?
A: Yes.
M: Okay, Ana and I are straight now.
A: Haha and then what?
M: We pick up where we left off in the last episode in this one, where Sarah faints because she’s lightheaded. Shockingly, Marylynn is sent home proving that Matt doesn’t have a backbone. Stand up to the producers, dude! Now we’re stuck with Queen V for three weeks.
A: This episode gets into it really fast. We immediately open with a group date where we learn Chris Harrison is a freak?
M: He’s written a book, The Perfect Letter. It’s an erotic sex book that sounds really fucking raunchy and not fit for ABC. Apparently, a lot of people were shocked about this, begging the question, Should I Read It and Write A Book Review? I think yes.
M: The girls have been split up and about half of them are put on a date where they have to write erotic passages about Matt. Some of them are really sweet and not too sexy, like Bri’s passage about massaging Matt with manure. Then there’s Victoria whose every other word has to be bleeped out.
A: It ends with him screaming “Yes Queen.” This is the first, and only time, I will ever have respect for Victoria.
M: Oh yeah? Why is that, because you can relate to her screaming-
A: Shut up.
M: Meanwhile, the other girls not on this date, including Sarah, have to sit back and listen to this smut play out. Most are amused by it but Sarah, once again, looks like she is on the verge of fainting. Apparently, THIS part is the big wake up call for her that oh yeah, he has to go through this with every other girl because He Is On the Bachelor.
A: It is both inspiring and humbling to learn that seeing you along with thirty other women is not only limited to my ex.
M: That’s extreme time management.
A: She was very organized.
M: Sarah continues being upset because apparently, she didn’t understand the concept of the show before signing up and later on, bombards the group date to air out her issues to Matt.
A: So, basically, after the erotica fan fiction comic-con, the girls are talking, hanging out, having a good time and Matt and Mari?
M: Rachael. Can you really not tell them apart? Is that why you kept calling her the Puerto Rican girl?
A: No. I have no idea why Mari and Rachael look exactly the same to me. In fact, I put Mari down in my Bachelor Bracket thinking she was Rachael and lost out on a lot of points. Sigh. Anyway, RACHAEL and Matt goes off together for a little rendezvous because Matt is obviously into her and God Damnit why didn’t I pick her last week.
M: It’s fine, Sarah torpedoed both our scores.
A: He kisses her with his now staple wide eyed open smile of a kiss (remember when you used to do that babe?) and she ends up getting the group rose, not before Sarah, of course, egregiously fucks up everything.
M: Katie’s sitting there appreciating her time talking to Matt about god knows what.
A: She lost her personality when she relinquished the vibrator to production. I think they put it in the Bachelor Incinerator™.
M: And lo and behold, Sarah comes in to air all the problems she has with Matt seeing contestants who also quarantined for two weeks to come here and talk to a man with the same personality as a cardboard cut out.
A: Katie, with the patience of a God, goes back to let the group know what’s up and Victoria sends her right back in, with a hungry look in her eyes (and the bags underneath) for drama.
M: My favorite part is not that Katie broke up Sarah and Matt talking, but the fact she stood there texting watching over them like a mom chaperoning a middle school dance, waiting her turn.
A: Isn’t it insane to think we used to soberly grind as thirteen year olds at school dances in front of our parents and teachers, who were watching the whole time?
M: This is a recap Ana, not therapy.
A: Just some food for thought. Also, when is our sushi getting here? I want food for stomach.
M: Sarah goes back to apologize to the girl and this is where the can of worms is opened.
A: Everyone yells at her the entire rest of the episode. No one accepts her lukewarm apology of stealing Matt on their group date and she runs out to the parking lot with Victoria and Katie in tow.
M: They confront her and Victoria is so fucking condescending, it’s insane. She is just like yeah? Your feelings are hurt? Awe :/ no one likes you so maybe you should go home???
A: Katie: haha... are u here to tell him you can’t be on the show? That’s 2 bad :/
M: The next day it’s a one on one date with Serena P and Matt and, stealing focus from the drama for a second? I love Serena P
A: Oh yeah? Who’s that?
M: Stop.
A: Meanwhile Sarah! Is nowhere! To be Found!
M: She’s off in her room waiting for her knight in shining armor Frozone to show up.
A: Idk about that one babe
M: Matt goes upstairs to console
A: Coddle, one might even say, enable
M: Sarah…. And the girls are MAD.
A: Matt breastfeeds Baby though and she feels all better.
M: He goes on his date with Serena P which involves a donkey breaking up a kiss and the revelation that Serena P is actually too good for the Bachelor.
A: She’s independent and seems like she’s in therapy so I’m not sure why she’s here.
M: Whatever, we love it! She says, very earnestly, she thinks she could be in “like” with Matt. Finally, someone is honest that you can’t fall in love in the span of a month.
A: Dinner time for Matt and Serena and, once again, I am triggered because I am hungry.
M: You’re always hungry.
A: She talks about how she’s not a casual dater and was in a relationship for four years and asks Matt personal questions about himself, a quality we have yet to see in any other contestant.
M: I think? I don’t really remember, but his last girlfriend wasn’t serious about getting married so this is when we learn Matt is an All American Good Family Dad
A: Sponsored by LL Bean™
M: Of course, the cherry on top, time for another Matt James Make-out in the Hot Tub.
A: Sponsored by LL Bean™
M: The next day, a date card is brought to the table and Sarah finally makes her entrance, leading to what is quite possibly the cattiest scene in Bachelor history.
A: Again, broad statements because neither of us have seen the show.
M: Sarah asks if it’s ok if she squeezes in and everyone, starting from Queen V herself, begin piling on that no, it actually isn’t okay for Sarah to sit on the couch let alone breathe the same air as them.
A: Kit hit the ball home saying "I hope that your connection with Matt is very strong right now because the rest of your living situation here is going to be horrible."
M: I can’t believe she really said that but
A: Then again she was born after the year 2001.
M: Aw, a zoomer like you.
A: She’s a NYC socialite who doesn’t even remember 9/11.
M: Sarah heads off and Katie runs upstairs to follow her, telling her that what just happened was hard to watch because literally no one deserves that.
A: It’s impossible not to stan Katie after this moment, the woman with the most emotional intelligence on the show.
M: They bond over how Sarah’s dad has ALS and is dying. Katie’s dad died prior and in a very sad, touching moment, Katie reveals how her dad passed away and how she wished she had been there with him through his last moments.
A: With this conversation, Sarah decides it’s time to leave.
M: She rolls up to Matt’s estate and lets him know hey, the girls are being extremely bitchy to me and I need to go. Family means everything and I just shouldn’t have come here.
A: I am 100% convinced she will come back. But for now, she’s doing interviews on Youtube since Schittz Creek just ended.
M: She really does look like Alexis. For right now, I’m just happy she’s doing what’s best for her.
A: It is shocking the producers didn’t put a stop to this. But then again they forced Matt’s hand in keeping Victoria, who he visibly recoils from. Nice!
M: Which brings us to today’s episode! Yay! Another dimension to the Bachelor cinematic universe.
A: They’re bringing five new girls for Queen Victoria to shit on and I can’t wait.