Ah yes, another Monday filled with Bachelor drama my dad says “turns his brain into mush.”
To really capture the viewing experience for those of you not blessed to hangout with Ana and I on Monday nights, we thought we’d recap each episode together from here on out. Her writing will be italicized and mine will be boring. With $30 worth of sushi in our stomach and coca cola cans strewn across the carpet, here are our collective thoughts on Season 25 of the Bachelor so far.
A: It’s 28 degrees in Chicago, winter has come, and so have I.
M: Ana, this is unnecessary. I’ve already written the introduction
A: Okay, I’m going to try to summarize from memory:
M: Please let me just write the plot before you-
A: Matt sat down with Chris Harrison and basically said “I’m like really nervous that people will get mad if I pick a white girl” and Chris responded: no that’s like really brave <3
M: Yeah, this was a really weird moment. It essentially seemed like he was asking permission to actually find love? Or checking in with ABC Producers what sort of image they want to promote? Since ABC’s audience is definitely not the kind of people you’d see at a BLM march, I assume they want him to end up with a white girl. I was like, “is he asking if they’ll be mad at him if he doesn’t choose a white girl?” Or does ABC want him to choose a black girl because then they’re promoting the idea that like “black love is legitimate” which is something Bachelor Nation consistently stays away from doing? Listen, I don’t know. It was just a really weird conversation.
A: Alicia, a professional ballerina,
M: Ana loves providing no context so let me clarify. Alicia is one of thirty two contestants on this season of the Bachelor. POPSUGAR said she was “one of the most impressive Bachelorette contestants in the history of the show” so it was pretty devastating to see her
A: get passed over by someone with a Queen Victoria complex. Victoria (yes that’s her name) really said “‘I'm going to be the first woman Queen, Believe It!”. Obviously inspired by Naruto. Does she watch it? What do yall think?
M: Queen V not liking Naruto is only one reason we hate her. She’s pompous as fuck and busts through the doors with a crown, quickly making herself an enemy of the house.
A: In a scene that wasn’t released probably, Matt begged for Queen Victoria to be kicked off and the producers responded with “You hating her makes it cute tho”
M: They’re like “no it’s like, really cute how incompatible you are.”
A: Prediction for episode 2: a makeout scene, or raw sex
M: There’s also Kaili, a hostess from Chicago, who shows up in lingerie and asks Matt to pick between two evening dresses for her to wear.
A: That’s her first mistake, asking a man for his opinion.
M: But our favorite, by far, is Katie, who brings a vibrator to show off to Matt what has “gotten her through Quarantine thus far,”
M: She goes around the house waving that thing around like a spector and, very bravely, sets her vibrator down on the living room table for everyone to see.
A: She based her entire personality on a blurred vibrator.
M: Our favorite part of Katie is when Matt sits down to talk to someone about Hurricane Maria and how it devastated her home and Katie just shows up and taps the girls shoulder saying, “ummmm, may I please have time with him now :) ?”
A: What happened in Puerto Rico was horrible, but I’m always down to tell a PR girl to stop talking. Especially since allegations came out that she bullied someone in her highschool for dating someone Black.
M: Didn’t Tiktok expose that?
A: Yes, my irrefutable source.
M: Fun thing about Tiktok, in the Advanced League we’re in it’s actually negative five points if the contestant you pick for your bracket brings up “TikTok” which, speaking of bracket, I think it would be a crime for us not to talk about Abigail, the sweetest most pure person in the world.
A: Matt remembered a comment that Abigail had said. What a man! I don’t really remember what else he said (darn my women brain) but essentially he was like “Thank you for your struggle” and kissed her. All jokes aside, she’s part of the Deaf community and is the first Deaf contestant on this show. And got the first impression rose!
M: I was team Abigail from the jump. Ana, would you kindly remind everyone what you wrote in her character analysis prior to the start of the season?
A: OKAY ALL I HAD ON HER WAS THAT SHE LIKED CALVIN HARRIS
M: You gotta tell them what you said because it is hilarious.
A: Sigh. I read that she loves Calvin Harris “because his beats slap”. So i said “:( Matt is really going to be the first Black guy she’s talked to this month”.
M: And then she WON THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE!!!!!!
A: Yeah I jump to conclusions way too fast but I’m glad she’s nice!
M: Abigail was in my bracket and I still fucking lost to Ana last episode. 39 to 60.
A: I’m still sad to see Alicia leave. I like that Casandra made a Tiktok with her sister after the elimination, though.
M: Which brings us to this week! Fuck! What is going on!? Do you have any predictions?
A: Kit and Queen Victoria are going to stab each other.
M: Oh yeah, that stand off is coming soon.
A: I love that the Bachelor producers got tired of emotionally mature women so they picked Kit and Victoria, who then picked violence
M: Well, we can’t technically know the history of Bachelorette contestants considering we only just got involved solely based on the fact Clare was insane last season.
A: I still think it’s really talented of her to gaslight thirty guys at once.
M: It looks like the promos have them chasing after wedding dresses, putting them on, and absolutely beating the shit out of each other in a muddy field so my prediction for this episode is someone gets hurt and Matt says the words “unpack” and “vulnerability” a bit more. I bet Anna gets the one on one date.
A: Bri got it.
M: What? How do you know that?
A: I follow them on Instagram.
Well, we’ve got fifteen minutes before Episode 2 premieres and all hell breaks loose for Bachelor Nation. Until then, see you next week! Ana, you have anything else you want to say?
A: No, I’m nervous.